Are You Self Sabotaging Your Business Results? Listen Up (Episode 79)

Melyssa Griffin

22 min

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Today’s Limitless Coaching episode is about self sabotage and what you can do to overcome it.  Do you ever find yourself enjoying some success and then making a decision that stalls or completely halts your progress?

Are you afraid that your success will somehow leave others behind or leave less for someone else?

Do you avoid sharing your story because of the inner critic that says you’re not interesting, valuable or important enough?

If you can relate to any of the above questions then this episode is for you. We go deep in this discussion to look at some of the reasons why Brie decided to stop creating content for her blog that was gaining popularity and writing her book – which is essentially a memoir – when some old beliefs and patterns started to show up creating self-doubt and fear.

We look at scarcity and the feeling that there’s “never enough,” upper limit problems and what practices you can use to come back to yourself to overcome self sabotage.

This episode has so many insights and lessons that so many of us can learn from. Especially when it comes to identifying and building routines that foster feelings of success.

Listen to the episode below:

This episode discusses topics like…

  • Brie’s personal definition of  “success” and how she may be pushing it away  
  • How to start identifying and building routines that foster feelings of success
  • When she started sabotaging herself, and why this happens 
  • What’s behind the fear she has that she isn’t interesting, or valuable or important enough 
  • Some ways that Brie can obtain some additional support to move through her feelings of trauma

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Did this episode help you expand what’s possible for your life or business? Do you think your social media followers may learn something, too? I’d be forever grateful if you shared it on social media. 🙂 If you do, tag @melyssa_griffin and @limitlesslifepodcast so I can repost you! Woohoo!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. What practices could you implement in your life to come back to yourself – especially when you’re feeling afraid?

Thank you SO much for being here, sweet friend. I’m honored to walk this journey with you. See you in the next episode!

xoxo
Melyssa

Read the Episode Transcript Here

Melyssa
So Brie, what do you want to talk about today?

Brie
Sure. So something that I think I have been struggling with is something I tend to self sabotage a little bit. And I think that, for instance, like I haven’t written a blog post in two months, even though my blog started to, like, do well. And I think that, or I started to write a book about myself, and I’m super excited. And I wrote 10 pages, got, you know, the confirmation I needed from a couple people who have written books and they said, It was amazing and literally haven’t written the word and I kind of looked into why I do that, and there is a lot going on in the world. But I think that’s an easy excuse. I don’t think that’s the reason. Mostly it’s for me, I constantly go back to believing that my story isn’t interesting enough, or original enough and, you know, even if I can get past that I’m like, it’s not going to be valuable enough. Why would anyone want to listen to that? Or it’s just why me over other people? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Melyssa
Yeah, it sounds like a lot of the self sabotage is showing up in places where you are sharing your story. And your, your book. Is that where it tends to show up when you notice that you’re sabotaging things?

Brie
Yeah, I guess so. I thought about that way. Yes.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And what makes you think that your story isn’t interesting or valuable enough?

Brie
That’s a good question. I don’t know that I have a reason. I guess it’s just something I’ve convinced myself of.

Melyssa
Mm hmm.

Brie
And maybe it’s also more than I’m worried. Like, maybe it is original enough. Maybe it’s great, but there are a lot of people who have great stories and they don’t finish it or they don’t do it. And probably the people pleaser me. I just don’t know if I could even handle being successful because I’d feel so guilty. Like, why should I be successful compared to somebody else?

Melyssa
Hmm. Yeah. I understand that. That’s a that is common fear for a lot of people have the guilt of asking for more. So if you thought about it, you said, Why should I be successful over somebody else? What if it wasn’t over somebody else? What if you could just be successful without it having to be sort of a, If I get it, then somebody else has the less of the pie?

Brie
I would then what if I make someone feel bad? Because I’m successful?

Melyssa
Could you could you think of a reality or think of possibility where you being successful might actually inspire more people make them feel really good?

Brie
I could try.

Melyssa
What is successful mean to you? Like what would that look like if you knew that you were successful?

Brie
I guess having a name that some people know, having published a book and having things out there, as well as having enough resources to take care of other people in my family and in the world in general, you know, maybe I’m able to create, I don’t know, maybe not create a charity, but you know, a big portion of that money goes to, you know, something I believe in or I can just randomly give people money. You know, I guess that’s successful to me being able to make an impact.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Are there any organizations or causes that really matter to you right now?

Brie
I mean, there are a few that come to mind but I don’t know that I’ve like found my one or anything. Maybe there aren’t any. I mean, I love foster kids. And so that would be something I would love to to work with as foster kids and completely different, but I also love dogs. Probably both of those.

Melyssa
So what you said in terms of knowing that you’re successful is that you would be known by some people, more of a name in your industry, you will have published a book, and you’ll have the resources to take care of your family and causes that matter to you in the world. Yes. So if we kind of dig into each of those, I know that your fear that you’re talking about, you’ve mentioned that you feel like a people pleaser, you’re kind of afraid of leaving people behind or rising too much and causing people to fall. Let’s dig into each of those things that success means to you. So if you were more known, what does that mean exactly? That people know your name?

Brie
Sure, I guess, you know, when it comes to my niche fan life, people whenever they need a resource, they go to me, and they go to my website, or on a top of mine. Oh, go ahead. Yeah. Oh, no, it’s fine. I was just gonna say the same thing about if I were to publish the book, I’m not even sure what niche I would be but whatever, like an interesting autobiography and that like, oh, wow, have you read Brie’s story? And it inspired them to feel better about themselves because they were able to read and see that, you know, something came out of my story so there’s

Melyssa
Awesome. And what about further resources in terms of having more abundance for family, friends, the world what what might that look like?

Brie
I think that’s probably one of my problems and I know everyone has money, maybe not everyone, but a lot of people have money mindset issues. But I think for me, it’s. I don’t know what that looks like, because it constantly feels like it would have to be some insane goal or it should it feels like it’s never enough. You know what I mean? They’re always you get a large sum of money and then it quickly goes away, you know, or, you know, you get a steady sum of money, but then you realize that’s like, still not enough. And so I don’t know what that looks like, because because I don’t feel like it exists.

Melyssa
What if you did have enough? So let’s say that you went for all of these things, there was no more sabotage, you attracted and created the kind of abundance that would give you the freedom and fulfillment that you’re looking for. And it was enough, what would you be able to create from overflow? How would you use that to support your family or support these organizations you care about? Sure, I would be able to give them the same opportunity, I guess time time to be able to create things that they love and invest in, you know, whether it’s education, or it’s building their own business, or just support them and whatever they may need so they can do the same thing. And you know, the same with the organizations, I guess I would be able to create more awareness for them. Therefore, you know, giving more money more than just my own. I think it’s powerful when you can get people to you know, match for donations. Be able to not only donate a large sum, so that gives the organization some attention, but then other people as well.

Melyssa
Love it. Okay. So earlier, when we were talking about the sort of self sabotage and success, it was like, I’m afraid of being successful because of how people might view me that I might be leaving people behind. But then as we define success, it was being known writing a book, being able to give resources and money and time. And all of those things you mentioned were things like, if you wrote a book, you’d be able to inspire other people to feel better about their own lives. If you were more of a known name. Then whenever they needed a resource, they think of you so you’d be able to help them in a bigger way. And then with the financial resources, obviously, that one, you’re able to give more time and create education and support for the people that you care about. So by all standards, that I’m seeng your depth finition of success is really about the more successful I am, the more successful everyone around me is too.

Brie
You’re good.

Melyssa
How does that feel when you hear that?

Brie
Feels like a weight was lifted? Feels very good.

Melyssa
Mmm. So what if the opposite was also true? That the more you don’t create being more of a household name in your industry that you don’t write your book, you don’t write the blog posts, you don’t create more abundance. Then you also don’t give other people the opportunity to create those things, too.

Brie
Hmm.

Melyssa
That one feels a little harder to try on.

Brie
It does.

Melyssa
What about that feels harder to own?

Brie
I’m not really sure. I almost don’t believe it or something. It’s like, I don’t know.

Melyssa
What don’t you believe?

Brie
I guess it’s hard to believe that important.

Melyssa
The word important strikes me earlier. You mentioned To the fear that my story is an interesting or valuable enough. Interesting, valuable important. Do you have a sense of where that feeling comes from of I’m not interesting, valuable, important enough?

Brie
Probably way back into myself. When I went through, like a lot of homes, and so I was just, I guess, not replaced, but not missed, maybe. And I was I was but in certain homes, of course. Yeah.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Were you in foster care too?

Brie
Kind of, family friends, guardians moreso. Not exactly. the foster care system. Definitely not as bad as some people had. So…

Melyssa
But still left a mark.

Brie
Yes.

Melyssa
And have you done any healing work around that feeling of feeling? Not valuable enough or not chosen not important.

Brie
I’ve done a lot of healing work around, like a lot of my childhood, but this is new. You brought it right up. Thanks. I’m in a good way. No, it’s good.

Melyssa
I feel the backhanded thanks, but I understand.

Brie
No, no. I meant it.

Melyssa
I do. Can you see how that feeling might be influencing some of the self sabotage of not wanting to put your self and your story out there?

Brie
Yeah, yeah, it’s super interesting. I had no idea that was why.

Melyssa
So it sounds like the major things in terms of you said self sabotage, are writing blog posts, and writing a book, which sounds like they both revolve around your story. Is that the case?

Brie
No, not necessarily. The blog posts are very more so informational. The book is definitely around my story. I will say I started to write the book. And that was about the time that I stopped both. So definitely connected.

Melyssa
Okay, that makes sense. So it may not even necessarily be the blog post content, it might have just been the timing of starting to write the book and then everything was like I’m done. Yes. Right, exactly. And do you remember when you were starting to work on the book? what it was that fueled this exit from all these things, a topic or feeling?

Brie
I know, it was kind of exhausting, because whenever you start writing the story, it’s it kind of takes over. It’s always and that’s there’s a lot of responsibility. And that I think, and then also, I think it was a little scary to start thinking about what if certain people read it or like the collateral damage of it all. So maybe that was kind of scary. Yeah. You know what if I write something and people don’t believe it or something like that, I’m making it sound maybe a little more juicy than it is there are still parts that people would choose not to believe a lot of I mean, because they didn’t believe me when I was a child. So I think that’s a little intimidating.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. That’s really painful to feel gaslit about your lived experiences? Yeah. And the thought of having to relive that somebody’s denying your reality.

Brie
Yeah, for sure.

Melyssa
Seems like there might be still this soft area inside from those experiences when you were a child that is still asking for healing. It’s like, you want to go there? Okay. Well, if you’re gonna write this book, then we’re going to dredge up a lot of those feelings until you heal us.

Brie
Yeah, for sure. Just a lot of work.

Brie
Yeah, a lot of undoing a lot of remembering. Yeah. Which was happening whether I wanted to or not, because once I decided I wanted to write the book, The stories were just constantly rolling in my head anyways, so…

Melyssa
And did you seek out any kind of support when you decided to write the book and you started to feel and experience all these stories and memories again, in terms of like therapy or coaching?

Brie
No.

Melyssa
Could that be something that might support you in this endeavor as you’re willingly talking and thinking about your stories and simultaneously healing them and working through some of them?

Brie
Yeah, absolutely. Coaching and therapy.

Melyssa
Yeah, sounds like that could be both kind of accountability and a way for you to heal some of the things maybe even incorporat it into the book of healing and as you’re telling it, calling it.

Brie
Yeah, yeah, like that. Got deep, fast. Huh?

Melyssa
It’s always fun when that happens. The rest of the time, just going a little deeper, creating some solutions to move forward with. This topic of self sabotage is something you’ve noticed in your life. For a while, or is it more when you started thinking about writing this book about your story?

Brie
No, it’s something I’ve kind of always done. And it could be a story that’s no longer serving me that I tell myself, but I often don’t complete things. You know, whether it’s a book or a project, I decided it would be fun or something I want to do. I often don’t complete things, which I know can be common.

Melyssa
And when you don’t complete things, is there a story inside of you that is validated by you not finishing anything?

Brie
Maybe just that I knew I wouldn’t finish it. And nothing exciting would come out of it because I wouldn’t finish it anyways.

Melyssa
Mmm, like, look at you again, not finishing something.

Brie
Exactly.

Melyssa
And what does that hold you from feeling or creating or experiencing when you don’t finish things?

Brie
Joy, success, most of the time, relief,

Melyssa
Joy, success relief. Those are powerful. Mm hmm. It’s almost like the experience of you don’t deserve to feel joy, success or relief. So we’re gonna make sure that you don’t finish anything. So you never feels emotions, so you never feel important or successful,

Brie
Or that sucks.

Melyssa
It does suck. Yeah, it’s talking about it. But the really cool thing is that the only thing that’s stopping you from feeling joy, success and belief is just yourself. It doesn’t have to rely on anyone else. And so that is really cool. Because it gives you the power back to then create all those feelings inside of yourself. So it sucks but it’s also kind of cool.

Melyssa
Have you heard of something called an upper limit? It’s basically this idea that especially when we were children, we were instilled with a certain level of joy, success, relief happiness that we allow ourselves to feel. And then when we and everyone has their own level, we’ll just say out of 100. And when you get to your level, or you get close to it, then you start to do things that take you down a notch because you’ve been indoctrinated to not go past the level. Because going past the level is like, Whoa, that’s not possible. What’s going to happen, people are gonna hate me, I’m going to create too much and I’m going to lose everything and have all a lot of things can come up. And so like in a relationship, this shows up in all the areas of our lives, but for example, in relationship, maybe you only have a certain threshold of joy, you allow yourself to experience and I’m not speaking about you just in general. So when you get to that level, maybe you have a really great date or a great conversation and you feel so happy and so that this unconscious part of you would kick in and be like, bring it down a notch.

Melyssa
And so then an hour later you pick a fight with your partner, or you find something about them that really annoys you or something like that. And so it’s like, you don’t allow yourself to go past the level. Now, a lot of people, I would say pretty much everyone has their own threshold of where their upper limit is. And so I think what can be really fun is thinking about, where’s the level right now? What happens when you get close to it? And how can you create some practices and healing so that next time you notice yourself getting close to it, you you can predict the behaviors or the feelings that will come and then push through them so you can like slowly, like me have Thanksgiving dinner or something and you like slowly expand your stomach – and you slowly expand your threshold for allowing in more happiness and success and relief. And there’s a really great book about it called, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks. I don’t know if he invented the term but he has a wonderful book about it. But for you, when you feel like you’re getting close to that level of like, here’s my level of success and self importance, is there anything that tends to happen or things that you tend to do or feel?

Brie
I’m sure there are, I mean, often, especially if I feel like that joy, or you know, you kind of tamper yourself a little bit like, hold on, this isn’t gonna last forever. Like, don’t get too excited. And then, often I’ll have been like, okay, well, now I can take break. Like I did the successful thing and I can stop or it’s, you know, say something to self care. I really am just bingeing Netflix and avoiding my responsibilities.

Melyssa
Right, right. Right. And is that what happened when you started writing the book?

Brie
Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I think I felt like I got some done. I got some validation from people saying it was good. And I’m like, Good enough.

Melyssa
Uh Hmmm

Melyssa
Hey, limitless listener. We’ll get back to the show in just two moment, but I wanted to take 20 seconds to invite you to the free at home digital retreat that I created just for you. It’s called limitless entrepreneur and it’s all about helping you to create an abundant, fearless mindset. All growing your online business. You want to join, just visit limitless entrepreneur retreat.com to register. It’s totally free. That’s limitless entrepreneur. retreat.com. All right, friend, back to the show.

Melyssa
Good enough. I’m gonna watch Netflix. And quite everything else that I was doing that was working to.

Brie
Yes.

Melyssa
So when you’re going through that, too, how is that playing for you? Like, what were the emotions and the bodily sensations that you’re feeling? If you can remember?

Brie
Hmm. I’m not sure if I remember honestly. It’s a bit ago.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Okay, so We do something great. We feel like we got to bring ourselves back down. Usually unconsciously, it’s not like a conscious let me sabotage myself. I’m gonna do quote, self care and watch Netflix for a couple months and, and remind myself that my success won’t last forever and then feel bad about it. Next time you feel like that maybe next time you start working on this book that you’re writing, what could you do instead? Could you feel him because when we remove a habit, like going to Netflix, when we’re avoiding something, it can be hard to actually create something healthy. Unless we fill that habits with some other habits, it’s actually better for us. So what’s a new habit that you might be able to adopt in place of some of these things that happen when you are sabotaging? I mean, I could read books I could go for a walk and thinking of a habit that That would reconnect you to that joyful, successful, rounded part of yourself. I mean a workout that always feels good. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean. But yeah, something like that. And something that feels realistic where you’re writing the book, you can even really just kind of imagine that happening right now you’re sitting down, you open up Google Docs or word or wherever you’re writing it. And you start writing and then suddenly feel like this a weight is heaviness of, I don’t want to do this. What are people gonna think? And you have this urge to open Netflix and watch TV and not work on the book for another month. In that moment, because it can be such a quick moment that happens that really not moment, something really almost simple you could do to bring yourself back to you.

Brie
I mean, I could journal I could meditate for two minutes or I could just be reminded of why I’m doing it, or remind myself of why I’m doing it.

Melyssa
I like that idea. Why are you doing it?

Brie
I mean, for myself for one, because I do want to tell my story. I do think it is important, at least my higher mind does. And I do think we’ll help people.

Melyssa
But will it help people with?

Brie
maybe healing their own story, or I want it to be inspiring for people who feel like they can’t get out of a situation or they’re not important. I want them to feel important. So they can follow their dreams or take that leap or, you know, if it’s a teenager, just know that, you know, it’ll be okay. They’ll, likely get through it.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. I love that. And I feel like the more that you can connect to that, and maybe add a little addendum of, I want to help people heal their own story. I want them to feel important. The addendum can be I want to heal my own story and I want to feel important, too. I feel like if you can write that on, post it and put it all over the place, reconnect to that, why on a regular basis, that would help too. Because it can be really hard with anything that we’re creating. If we’re disconnected from the reason why we’re doing it. It’s just kind of like, Oh, my God, I have to do this horrible, scary thing. But our why and vision we have just creates a lot of clarity allows us to get this like superhuman strength and mentality if we really care about what we’re doing.

Brie
I like that. Thank you.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Well, you created it. Thank you. Okay. So in those moments, remembering your why you mentioned journaling too is that something that you do often?

Brie
When I’m being healthy? Yes.

Melyssa
When I’m being healthy, okay. Are you not being healthy right now?

Brie
No

Melyssa
And is that effective that self sabotage?

Brie
Yes.

Melyssa
What does it look like when you are being healthy?

Brie
I go on walks. I meditate in the morning. I journal, I read all the typical things that we know are good for us and make us feel good. But we stopped doing them for one reason or another.

Melyssa
And was the reason you stopped doing them because you got kind of thrown off track from writing your book, or was there a different reason?

Brie
Hmm. Possibly. I mean, there’s so much going on in the world right now. I think that probably also had an effect. And, I mean, we’re selling our bands. We’re doing a lot of things, but there’s always a good reason not to do things. There’s always time. Right.

Melyssa
Do you think those are things you could bring back into your schedule?

Brie
Yeah, absolutely. Just no matter of continually doing it.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And, and being a little easy about it, when I don’t know if you experienced this, but sometimes we’ll create all these practices and yours is fairly extensive walking, meditating, journaling, reading and if we don’t do one of them, or we do one sloppily or we miss a day, then it’s like, well, I suck. And now I’m off track. I’m not going to do it anymore. Do you feel that way?

Brie
Yeah.

Melyssa
How could you incorporate more flexibility into the way that you’re doing them? Or when you’re doing them or how long you’re doing them?

Brie
I mean, I don’t have to do them all every day.

Melyssa
How will you know that? That day is a day for your routines?

Brie
I mean, I could create a schedule or I could just go off a feeling but sometimes I do that, that means I just don’t do it at all.

Melyssa
Is there a certain time that you like to do it? Or is it kind of whenever you feel into it?

Brie
Normally morning. I like doing that kind of stuff in the morning then doing actual work more afternoon.

Melyssa
okay. So in the morning and you said going off of a feeling what kind of feeling how would you know that today is a day from my routines? Or maybe Today’s a day for part of my routines?

Brie
Guess whatever your habit is, I feel like sometimes you just know, like, you’ll get the gut feeling or a voice and you’re like, I should really go for a walk or Oh, this is a good time to journal. It’s not very concrete, but just kind of listen to your head.

Melyssa
It is concrete it is. And when you hear that voice or the gut feeling, do you usually listen to it?

Brie
Sometimes

Melyssa
Mm hmm. When you don’t listen to it, is there a reason why or something that you do instead?

Brie
Usually nothing exciting, Netflix, scroll on my phone. Nothing important, nothing valuable.

Melyssa
So just kind of like what we were talking about with when you feel the upper limit, and you go into Netflix mode or phone mode. The solution is taking a couple minutes and really thinking about your why. I think we could apply the same reasoning to your routines of when you get the gut feeling you get the intuitive hit that says this is a routines day. But there’s the ego side that says this is a let me watch Netflix day. I don’t feel like doing my routines even I know that they really support me right now. I think connecting to the reason why you do those routines in the first place and what benefit they give you might propel you to actually do them even on a day when you’re like, I don’t want to. So what are some of the benefits that you get from walking, meditating, journaling, and reading?

Brie
I feel lighter. My head feels clear and feel more confident. Overall, you just I just feel good.

Melyssa
Can you imagine if I had like an infomercial? I was like this pill will help you feel lighter, clearer, more confident, and you’ll feel good. Do you think a lot of people would want it?

Brie
Probably.

Melyssa
And when you similarly when you sit and you watch this Netflix as sort of a way to distract yourself. What does that make you feel?

Brie
Numb. I don’t know if I can put it into words I feel like I’m like, this is better, but not really. It’s like a, like a sad voice You know, like, Okay, well now you’re just doing status quo. Like this is what I expected kind of thing. My body doesn’t feel good and feel tight. And say I feel sad because you’re, you know, your intensity is definitely like lower. Your vibe is definitely lower or my vibe. Maybe some people get a high vibe from watching Netflix.

Melyssa
That’s great. So feeling numb, basically self critical body’s feeling tight vibe is lower.

Brie
Yeah.

Melyssa
So I see this choice and you’re probably seeing it to have do I want to take the pill that’s going to make me feel lighter, clear, confident and good or the pill that might seem a little bit easier because all I have to do is just sit and watch something, but makes me feel like crap in a lot of ways and also kind of disconnects me from Myself? I don’t have to think about any of this stuff. These routines make me feel light and good. But I also have to think of this stuff. And that’s not fun. Like, at least it doesn’t seem fun, right? When we think about doing it, but tends to actually create some clarity and relief when we do it.

Brie
When you put it like that.

Melyssa
So kind of going back to the routines, you said that, I was asking, how will you know that it’s a routine day you said, My gut will tell me my intuition will tell me. And so when your intuition tells you it’s a routine day, it’s a walking, meditating, journaling reading day. But then the other part of you says no, this is a couch to Netflix day. What can you remind yourself of or or do to lean a little bit more into the side that wants you to experience the joy, success and relief of your routines?

Brie
Guess before I decide if I want to watch Netflix I can take a moment and really sit in it and decide how have I done the things do I feel like it’s one of those days or am I trying to escape something?

Melyssa
I love that. What if you even had like a totem or talisman or something like that it doesn’t have to be something you necessarily carry with you but it could be or just something like you always look to the corner of the room and when you feel that way and that’s how you know Okay, let me just pause for a minute here and and think about how do I want to feel? Why am I choosing this?

Brie
Yeah, I love that. I love the little talisman idea.

Melyssa
Yeah, I love that. It’s amazing how much just adding a pause in between decisions and activities helps us live with more intentionality think and create more of the joy success relief that you were talking about. Right? I love that. And do you think that if you started doing these practices more. And you were connecting to your why of why you’re writing the book more. Do you think that would support you in working through some of the self sabotage when it comes up?

Brie
I do. Yeah. I think everything seems to flow better whenever you’re doing the things that make you feel good. It all kind of falls into place. Just why we often are, I guess I’m speaking for everyone, but for myself even working out, right? Like, well, if I workout, I’m going to want to eat healthy, and I’m not quite ready. So you don’t work out. Right? And it all kind of goes downhill from there.

Melyssa
Right. And then it’s also like, on the flip side, when you start doing one thing that’s healthy. I feel like they all kind of fall into place.

Brie
Yes, exactly.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Okay, great. So I feel like this, this piece is feeling good.

Brie
Yes.

Melyssa
What about the piece of you sit down to write your book and then all of those fears pop up again, of I’m not important enough. What if that person reads this book? And here’s this part of the story and what if they Gaslight me again? How can you get some support as you’re writing this book so that when and if those feelings come up, you’re able to move through them instead of feeling derailed by them?

Brie
I’m not really sure. I mean, other than the same thing before taking a pause and remembering my why?

Melyssa
That could be big. Yeah. Something that kind of strikes me about your story, when you’re talking about it was this feeling of being recycled, of not feeling fully supported by the people who were there to take care of you. Maybe not all of them. But that feeling of kind of going on alone, not necessarily being able to trust people for their support, that they’d be there. So I think in this project that you’re working on with this book, what a beautiful opportunity to lean a little more into the trust of asking for support and being held. Instead of feeling like you can only depend on you.

Brie
Now, you’re getting a little more difficult.

Melyssa
What comes up for you and you think about that?

Brie
I mean, I guess that just sounds just more difficult, a little scarier. You got to find someone, you got to pick someone First off, so trust with the story and then to trust to support you in that. And that’s a lot of responsibility for somebody else. Yeah, that’s a lot of vulnerability, I guess.

Melyssa
Could it be in like a role that you work with a therapist or coach, or you find someone you really resonate with and they can hold the story with you?

Brie
Oh, yeah, that sounds less scary. Were you thinking? Yeah, I mean, if I’m paying them to do it, I feel much better.

Melyssa
Maybe that’s the gateway to bringing other people into the story too. Yeah. Do you think that might be helpful as you’re writing the book to have that kind of support?

Brie
Yeah, absolutely.

Brie
Is there anyone in your life I know that thinking about that just now sounded challenging? Is there anyone in your life that doesn’t really know the story that you feel like you would benefit from them being part of that part of your life?

Brie
Hmm. Yeah, maybe I can think of a person or two.

Melyssa
And what benefit Do you think you both might gain if you were able to share that with this trusted person?

Brie
I think there’s just some vulnerability there and whenever you share, something like that, it just adds to the friendship kind of enriches it in different ways. are often and I have great friends and they do help me in a myriad of ways. So that was good goes without saying, but sometimes I don’t share, like they may be sharing and I’m receiving, which is receiving the information, which feels good to me. But that’s, that makes it one sided. And then that makes me feel good. But that doesn’t make them feel good.

Melyssa
It’s almost like you can be a really great listener hold a lot for other people, but don’t necessarily want to talk about me. Just talk about you.

Brie
Exactly.

Melyssa
Right, right. Do you think the people in your life that you’re really close to and that really love you would want to hear more about you and your thoughts in your life?

Brie
Oh, yeah.

Melyssa
I think they would do. Of course, I think they really would. Yeah, with something like a little itchy when you’re a conversation next, and you have the inclination to be the asker and the holding spacer listener. But you have something that you kind of want to share, but you’re like, I don’t know if this is good enough or is this going to add anything to the conversation is gonna make it about me? Are they gonna be able to hold it? What’s like a small step that you might take? Or maybe it’s even the what we’re talking about with talisman or something, adding a little courage that might allow you to open up more.

Brie
I think this part may be it’s hard for me because I feel like whenever someone else is sharing something, although it can be great to have like an experience validated by somebody else’s experience or someone else to open up. I also don’t want to take the spotlight from them either. So I think that’s a little hard for me to decipher when, when that’s a good time. That makes sense.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Could be combination of both, maybe even also rewording some of the taking the spotlight to there is no spotlight. We’re just both sitting here in the sun together. Maybe you can acknowledge their experience and share yours.

Brie
I’ll try to start with that.

Melyssa
Do you feel like you need to take the spotlight process comes from maybe somebody taking the spotlight from you or telling you that your story didn’t happen?

Brie
Hmm. Yeah, maybe.

Melyssa
Something that you want? Okay, so it sounds like getting some support potentially from a therapist or coach, as you work on the book, I think could be powerful in terms of healing as you heal others. And then maybe stepping a little bit into the itchiness of vulnerability with friends, still acknowledging their experiences and sharing a little bit more of yours. That would probably make writing a whole book about your story feel a lot less intimidating. If you’re able to start talking about it with people.

Brie
I guess that’s true. I don’t know why writing it down seems way less scary than just talking about it. might give you some more confidence to write it as well because I have a feeling that people who love you and care about you already would love to hear your story and hold it with you instead of you holding it all by yourself. I think just feeling the reactions of those people, those trusted people would probably add a little fuel to the book writing process. Maybe some interesting conversations or stories you can add to the book too.

Brie
You’re probably right.

Melyssa
How is all this feeling as you’re trying it on?

Brie
Some of it good. Some have a little awkward. Maybe not quite the word I’m going for, but we’ll go with that. Yeah, but it feels good. Most of it feels good.

Melyssa
Growth usually feels like a combination of good and awkward doesn’t it? I like that. What can you envision now moving into getting the book, what would be the next step if you got back into as you’re doing these routines, you’re working with a coach and you’re feeling like, Okay, I’ve got the foundation in place. Now I’m going to get back into this book, owning my story, what would be sort of the first step that you could take in that direction, small steps.

Brie
I mean, I could just sit down and open up my Google Drive folder and just open it back up. I don’t know that I’ve opened it back up in about two months. And sitting down and even seeing where I was at. Probably be a good first step.

Melyssa
That is brilliant. I love that. Because it’s not something where you have to like write a whole chapter, something you could literally do in probably about a minute. And I love that idea.

Brie
Remind myself that it’s there, I guess.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Kind of get back into the flow of okay this is a possibility for me. Mm hmm. Do you think tomorrow you could wake up do your self check in potentially do your routines if they feel aligned and open up that Google Drive folder and take a look at where you’re at with your book?

Brie
I do all of the or the checklists sounded really good opening Google Drive folder sounds a little more scary, but I do want to do it.

Melyssa
By the time you finish your routines, you’ll be prepped. I folder that Google Drive folder won’t know what hit it. Okay, well, I’m excited to see how it goes tomorrow.

Brie
Thank you. Yes, I am, too. I feel a lot better.

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