Melyssa
All right, let’s do this.

So Tiffany, I know that we originally met and started talking because you had this opportunity to do a radio interview. And you were feeling really nervous about your voice and about being on this interview where people would then hear your voice. Can you tell me more about that?

Tiffiny
Yeah. So I think most people don’t like the sound of their voice when it’s recorded. But I really, really don’t like the sound of my voice recorded. And so I just didn’t know how it would come off to people. And I was really worried about it. And you asked me a question like, why am I voice and that was so profound for me. Because I had a lot of experiences in my life where I had friends, walk away or betray me or say something about me, and just tell me that it wasn’t Enough in some way, shape or form? Am I jumping ahead with what you said?

Melyssa
You’re doing perfect. Yeah, you’re doing perfect. And what really struck me about when you said that when you were asking like, because when you asked it, it was so interesting. You said like, should I hire a drama coach? Should I with a voice coach? So it was like, looking for solutions about your voice versus looking for what’s actually underneath what you’re getting out, which is that I’m not good enough. And I think the voice thing is so intriguing because our voice is so connected to our truth. And it’s so connected to how we show up in the world and who we are and how we express who we are. So I feel like that fear of people even just hearing you and by the way, before doing this call together, obviously had never heard your voice. I was prepared for the gamut of voices that could possibly occur today. And your voices normal and beautiful to me. So It’s clearly not that right. It’s clearly not that there’s something underneath it. So let’s go back to what you were saying about. You’ve had these experiences of people saying things about you betraying you, and making you feel like you’re not good enough.

Tiffiny
I had a real knack for picking friends that like, literally, there was one day it was, this was an elementary school, and I was going to join my friends. And I heard them say, oh, there’s Tiffany, let’s go this way, and they turn the opposite direction. They literally turned away from me. And that was so devastating. They had an explanation, but it just seemed kind of far fetched. And I got teased by a group of girls through elementary school and middle school. And really, they tried to make me feel like while I let them make me feel like I was inferior, I know there’s that Eleanor Roosevelt quote that no one can let you Make you feel inferior except for yourself. And I definitely let them all make me feel inferior and my bad luck with friends continued through high school like my senior year I had one friend, whom I thought we were pretty good friends, but there was another friend who was more popular and got elected to student body office and she just suddenly kind of stopped being my friend and being that girlfriend instead. So, but you know, it’s gone on like book clubs, like even when I was a mom, you know, like they only invited people that they wanted, who they felt would contribute to the discussion. Well, I’m an education major and well read and you know, it just like it’s just so I’ve just had a number of experiences where somebody found something lacking in me, and that hit hard. I internalized a lot.

Melyssa
The word choice that you use there it is interesting to me that they found something lacking in you Because what I’m hearing you say through a lot of these experiences is that you also found something lacking in you. Yeah, I think I did. And what is that and why? Why did it manifest in this fear of being heard? Well,

Tiffiny
I can pinpoint now that I’m older, a few concrete things. I don’t think I was always a good listener. I think I was eager to prove my worth and value to people. And so I would go into problem solving mode. I think I just, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. And I saw myself as not being good enough. I was never pretty enough. I kind of felt like Elizabeth Bennett. I could come up with a quick comment or something somewhat witty, but my sisters were the beautiful ones or the fun ones or, you know, and I was the quiet one who wanted someone will love me. Hmm. I just didn’t see myself as good enough compared to everyone. yield? And how is that showing up in your business now? Oh, I have things that I’ve been wanting to do. And I’m realizing that there’s a connection that, like, Who am I, to ask for more? Who am I to say something? Who am I that anyone’s gonna want to listen to me.

So like, I have a book that I’ve been working on, because five of my six children have special needs. And we have taken trips with them. And we’ve also gone to Disneyland Disney World in and of itself is quite different than Disneyland takes a lot of planning. But especially when you have kids with sensory issues, because most of them are on the autism spectrum. And they’re all very high functioning, but crowds can be overwhelming. So we’ve had to do things like using our strollers as a wheelchair to kind of create a little buffer zone for the youngest so that she would feel safe. And I’ve got like 90% of this book done for two years. just haven’t finished I have another story because ever since I was little, I liked when I could learn to write. I became enamored with plays and stories and started writing my own plays. So I have a fiction book that I’ve kind of been building in my head for like the last 15 years, and I only have two chapters written newsletters for my business, intimidate me. What am I going to say to people? Why would they want to hear from me? Yeah.

Melyssa
And so it’s so interesting because you are so drawn to all of these ways that you want to express yourself. You want to write books, you have ideas for emails that you want to send, but there’s this resistance to speaking that into the world. Because of all these experiences you’ve had where you did speak up, you did have opinions and you felt like you were kind of shut down for them. You were betrayed, people looked the other way. So there’s this conditioning inside. That’s like if I send out an Email, then everyone’s going to unsubscribe. People are going to leave if I opened my mouth. Yeah, that is definitely a fear. Yeah.

Tiffiny
In fact, I had a couple subscribers and then I didn’t send anything out. And I don’t think I have any disclosures. I think

Melyssa
that’s really interesting, too, right? That when you don’t speak up, people leave, too. Yeah. That’s really interesting. So with the book, I was really interested in that point, too, because you said that for years, you’ve had this book 90% finished? Mm hmm. What are you afraid of? If you finish the book?

Tiffiny
I think there’s also a part of me that’s afraid of succeeding. Odd as that may seem. Yeah. Like, if I succeed, then what? Or if I finish it, I think there’s two parts What if I succeed, then what but also, what if I finish it, and nobody buys it? Hmm. I

Melyssa
think you literally just hit on the two questions that every single entrepreneur faces. Simultaneously, what if I do it? And it’s amazing? Or what if I do it and it fails? And so when we have both of those questions in our mind that creates this, like push pull resistance where we just stay stuck in the mud.

Tiffiny
Yeah, definitely really stuck.

Melyssa
Yeah. Let’s look at both of those questions. So the thing about the success question that I think is so interesting is that it really is talking about the identities that we have. And if we succeed, we have to lose some of those identities because now we’re stepping into a new identity. So what does that look like for you if you did this book, and it just exploded? What identity would you be walking away from? That might be scary?

Tiffiny
The quiet one who doesn’t draw much attention? Oh, tell me more. Oh, there were things that happened when I was younger, that it just in some ways seemed safer not to be noticed. Cuz if I’m not noticed, I also can’t be rejected. Mm hmm. Is that true? You didn’t speak up with your email subscribers and you still had those people leave? Because he didn’t speak up. That’s true. So is it true that not speaking up means that people can’t walk away? No, no, that’s not true at all. What might be true instead? Oh, gosh, if I succeed, I don’t know that I have any excuses to hide behind. And I don’t know, that even makes sense.

Melyssa
What identity stepping into that.

I don’t have any excuses to hide behind if I succeed. That is so profound. That right now, you’ve sort of you know, I’m, I’m thinking of what you were saying about Disney worlds, where you blockade your children with the stroller. So that they don’t feel the sensory overload. And like you’re doing something similar where you have all these excuses around you that you feel are keeping you safe from what you think might be dangerous or scary. Oh my gosh, Yeah, I do. I’m overweight too. And

Tiffiny
it feels safer to be overweight than to be noticed. But that’s not what I want to be. I want to be the me the fit dancer it used to be.

Melyssa
Right.

So what is such a strong feeling inside that’s keeping you from all these things you say you want.

Tiffiny
I’m afraid. I want to be loved. Or at least respected, loved by, not by people who have like I feel have to love me like my parents love me. My sisters love me. They told me and my back. You know, my family. The kids. They love me. But they’re all related to me. And I don’t want to be rejected. I think I’m trying to avoid the pain of feeling like I’m not good enough again. And yeah, I’m feeling the pain of not doing the things that I know I can do.

Melyssa
Right? Which then creates the feeling of, I’m not good enough, because I’m not doing the things I want to do like this cycle. It is. You said that you want to be loved and respected. Do you feel like you love and respect yourself?

on good days? on some things, like, you know, I’m not a perfect mother. But my kids know that I love them. And I’m firm when I need to be. I see my job. As you know, they came in as helpless infants. My job is to make them well guide them, not make them because now they got their own personnel to guide Benjamin teach them so that they are independent functioning, great members of the community and adults that contribute to the world and give as much as they take, who are strong and capable and believe in themselves. And, you know, they have done amazing things. I have been so blessed, they have their challenges, for sure. You know, my three oldest are graduated and they’re away at school, and they’re doing well.

Tiffiny
And so I think I’m definitely not a perfect mother. But I think I’m a good one. And I feel like I’m a really good friend to others. So there are definitely some things that I can love myself on. I’m really loyal. I just have no I have really good friends now. I didn’t when I was growing up, like I said, but I think I’ve learned to find people who are loyal as well as talking To a girlfriend earlier. And she’s just been there for me and her son’s on the autism spectrum too. And we just get each other. So well. And I have a couple other friends that, you know, I can go months without talking to him. But when I talk to them, we pick right back up. So I know I can be a really great friend. I’m a good mother. I believe that I can create. I just get to getting the creations out there. That’s where the fear stopping me. Right. And it’s interesting because

Melyssa
you talked earlier about a lot of those experiences you had growing up where you felt like you didn’t have anyone, you felt like you weren’t lovable. And now it sounds like you do have some really stellar people around you who love you and care about you and have been in your life for years. And so, it’s like you’re holding on to this belief from when you were

Tiffiny
a teenager And clinging to it

Melyssa
now versus so many people who want to hear from you and care about you.

Tiffiny
Yeah, I think I kind of part of my identity and that younger age. And can I tell you what, I just repeat back to you? what you described as your parenting style. Yeah.

Melyssa
And I want you to think about this as if you were parenting yourself.

Because you said that your firm when you need to be, you create independence. you contribute to the world. You’re strong, you’re capable. You believe in yourself. And you know, you’re not perfect, but you do a good job. That’s what you said about how you parent your children. What if you parented yourself in the same way?

Tiffiny
Yeah, I need to do that.

My children definitely know I love them. And

Melyssa
that’s kind of where things like you I love you. Yep.

Yeah. Are you ready to say that to myself?

Yeah. And to see, you know, you use the phrase that you have, parented them, to show them how important it is to contribute to the world. Yeah. And a lot of what I heard you say about your own life is that you want to contribute to the world, you have so many ideas and so many ways that you want to voice those ideas. But you get to that 90% finished mark, and then it’s like, I’m just not going to touch that for a few years. See what happens. Yeah, it’s like, you really want to contribute to the world but aren’t allowing yourself to in the way that you want.

Tiffiny
Yeah. I’ve contributed in other ways that are somewhat like volunteering and things that that it’s not scalable. If I do these things, I can reach so many more. People.

Melyssa
Right? You asked this question in the questionnaire that you submitted before this call you wrote, who am I to ask for more?

Tiffiny
Who am I to ask for more? I already have a lot. So why should I bother asking for more? Yeah. Tell me more about that question. Well, I have a number of friends who have to work and I’ve been able to be a stay at home mom to these kids, which has been so fortunate because they’ve needed a lot of extra help. We’ve had a lot of therapy appointments of all sorts. We’ve had no physical therapy, occupational therapy, food therapy speech. And, you know, so it was definitely it’s been a blessing to stay home with my kids. And, you know, we live a comfortable lifestyle. And I know that there are others who have so little, it’s like, Who am I to ask for more when there are so many with so little around me, whether it be living paycheck to paycheck, like I know a couple of friends do, or, I mean, we try to be helpful and donate and do different things to help our community. But it’s like Who am I to ask for more abundance in my life when I already have so much?

Melyssa
What’s interesting to me about that is, it goes back to that fear of success. If I do this, and it succeeds, what identities might I lose? And maybe one of those identities is, you might feel less relatable to these people who you feel so connected to. And that experience of going so many years in your life feeling disconnected from people feeling unloved and now having this community of people who care about you, and maybe feeling like well, if I write a book, then and it does really well then while I still have that community there while they Will I still fit in? Does that resonate with you at all?

Tiffiny
Yeah, yeah, that definitely makes sense. Or that they’ll somehow perceive that success has changed me. Right? Have they ever expressed that to you? Have you told them about some of your ideas? And have they been unsupportive? I’ve shared some of my ideas with different friends. And no, they’ve actually been very supportive. That really doesn’t make sense. But it’s the narrative I’ve been hearing in my head, which I want to get rid of. Right? Because you had such a strong

Melyssa
childhood of feeling unsupported, especially related to using your voice speaking up sharing your opinions. And so it makes complete sense, though, like, neural pathways are there that say, Well, if I speak up and I write this book, then those friends that I had in 10th grade are gonna look at me and then turn their back on me. And it’s like, oh, applying that to the current reality that you have with these friends, even though they’ve expressed to you how much they love your ideas, that old conditioning is still there.

Tiffiny
Yeah, it is. How do I get rid of? That’s what I’ve got to figure out. Right? So how do you get rid of it? It’s like what I’ve been doing with my kids. I have one that she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. And so we started with something simple like saying hello. And the more she did it, the more comfortable she became, to the point where she got over that particular anxiety and stood up in front of her class and told them that they should vote for her for student government representative. This is the one that we had to put in the stroller and have a buffer and she would cry if anybody knew approached her. I had to quit the gym because I couldn’t leave her in the daycare there because she would just cry the whole time. So maybe I need to go on my own grave missions and do that first post and do the first email and keep doing the baby steps and the brave missions like my daughter did.

Melyssa
Yes. How old is your daughter now? She’s seven and a half.

Tiffiny
She had some delays, like she didn’t wave. And I had the inspiration come to us. We were getting ready to go to Disney again, and it was going to be her first trip. And I found a YouTube video and one of the things we did was familiarize our children with like brides in the parades and things. We were watching a video of a parade and the cameraman captured Mickey turning and waving to the camera. And they said, all like Mickey’s waving at you Can you wave back? She did for the first time. And it was a breakthrough and she started waving and then you know, we took her in, she’s she has come so far. I want to get that for.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And here’s the thing that I think is so important about that story, which is so beautiful, by the way, is that if you had kept her in that stroller walked by all the other strollers for the rest of her life, she probably wouldn’t have been on that stage giving a speech or waving at Mickey, it’s because she took those steps. Yeah, but now she’s where she’s at. So for you, all those excuses and fears and old conditioning that are there that are surrounding you, and keeping you quote, safe, are actually preventing you from ever getting on that stage of your own. From waving at your own, Mickey or Minnie,

Tiffiny
right? Yeah.

Melyssa
And I loved the steps that you said the baby steps, writing the email, getting something small out there, seeing how it goes. Yeah. How do you feel when you think about doing that? Like if you were going to go write your email and send it today. What would come up for you?

Tiffiny
I tell them how amazing that I just had a great phone call with most. But I’d also ask something because I want to tell other moms who have special needs kids to keep going. You’re not alone. It feels like we are the only one going through things, and maybe our situation a little unique. But we’re all have enough similarities, that we’re all going through similar things and you’re not alone. There’s somebody who’s going to understand at least a little bit.

Melyssa
And even telling that story that you just told me about your daughter and her transformation. I think that sharing that can be really beautiful. really powerful for people. Yeah. And is there any fear or resistance that comes up from the idea of sending an email

Tiffiny
if I was to share that story about my daughter Not so much cuz she lost them that way. And I’m so proud of her. So now for sharing that story, I could write that email. That sounds like a good place to start.

Melyssa
What is because your wording there is interesting. Is there a story you want to share that feels scary right now?

Tiffiny
I guess talking about me and not my kid.

Melyssa
Right? And is it possible in that email that you send or however you decide to share? This story that you can mention how you see yourself mirrored in your daughter, or even writing that email was scary to do. And there you are doing it anyways. Yeah, I could do that. Huh? How would that feel? it’s intimidating, but I think I could do it. Yeah. I think you could do

Tiffiny
you know, if I want others to believe in themselves that they can do it.

I need to start really believing myself too.

And there’s almost this feeling that

Melyssa
if we believed in ourselves, then we would just believe in ourselves. But what I’ve found is that that belief in ourselves comes from consistent small steps, sending the email, doing the radio interview, finishing your book, it’s rebuilding the trust that you have with yourself. Versus it being like, uh, okay, cool. I believe in myself. I’m good to go.

Tiffiny
It doesn’t work that way.

Melyssa
Right, right. It took you a long time to learn to not trust yourself, to learn to not trust other people to hide. It took a long time to learn that it wasn’t just one friend or one scenario that made you feel that way. It was consistent. And so now you get to go the opposite direction. And it gets to be consistent actions that build that integrity you have with you.

Tiffiny
Yeah. Yeah. And it can start with an email.

Melyssa
We can even start with a conversation with a friend can start with a radio interview.

Unknown Speaker
Yeah, I heard that you were doing this. And it was a little intimidating, but I pushed myself to sign up because the coaching calls from the email Academy is just, they’ve been amazing. And on my head, I think I in that one, I feared not getting your insight more than I feared getting my voice out for a podcast.

Melyssa
And that’s such a profound thought. Because to me that signals that you are ready to move forward, because you wouldn’t have had that thought. Unless you were ready to release this old programming these old fears and really start to do the things that you’ve been holding yourself back on. You said no questionnaire being on this podcast is scary for me. But I want to break through more than I want to be scared. I was so struck by that. I was so struck by that because a lot of people aren’t there yet, they still would rather be scared. They still would rather stay stuck because

Tiffiny
the thought of anything else is terrifying.

Melyssa
And it might still kind of feel that way for you. But you’re at this different point now, because you’ve chosen to do something that is scary. If it might help you get to this place where you can be your fullest authentic, most honest self.

Tiffiny
Yeah. I’m tired of being afraid.

Melyssa
Yeah. And I think what you also get to remember is, whenever you start to doubt, or think, well, if I write this book, if I send this email, my friends might abandon me. They might want me to close my mouth again, like that friend I had in elementary school but You get to remember that you have so many people around you now who support the heck out of you, and probably who want to see you do these things. They want to see you thrive. And they would be inspired by you. If you chose to put yourself out there, it might even help them in some way.

Hmm, let’s explore that thought more.

Because right now the fear has been, if I write the book, if I do the radio interview, they’ll think success has changed me

Tiffiny
that I’m different now.

Melyssa
What would the opposite be? What if they had the best reaction? What would that look like?

Tiffiny
The best reaction would be I would inspire them to do something hard. And that they would keep paying it forward. And that we’d all make a bigger difference in the world. Yes, African code would not be would be able Amazing. That would really be amazing. Yeah. How am I didn’t even affect your kids to see you. Stepping into your truth, writing books being big. I think they’d be proud of me. And I think they would be encouraged to keep doing hard things in their lives. Keep pressing on when it gets rough when you’re afraid. Exactly. I want them to do that. And the best way that you can show them how is to do it yourself. Yeah. So what’s the plan?

Melyssa
What’s gonna happen next, that will allow you to step more into thisnext level of who you are.

Tiffiny
I am going to get my email sequences done. And then I’m probably going to have a couple of backup newsletters. If I get one of those moments where I’m feeling afraid to have To send out anyway so that it doesn’t stop me having like a backup one, or two or three, stock up, I like it. And then I’m going to get that done. And I’m going to work every day on my book for at least an hour until I get it finished enough time. And when the doubt creeps in again, because it will they will. What are you going to do about it? I think we used to have a chart up on the wall, remind my daughter to have her brave missions. And so I think I’m going to put something on my wall or my mirror that says Be brave. And I probably will talk to a couple of friends and let them know that I need a cheerleader. I love that idea. I think that’s often the bravest thing we can do is to ask for support instead of just trying to do it all ourselves. And I think the neat thing that We’ll come from that, too is realizing how supportive you are how much your friends want you to finish this book. Yeah, I think I already know what’s turns I’m going to ask because some of my friends that I’ve helped locally, they’re like, yeah, you need to finish college or you’re waiting. Yeah, I have friends with kids with different disabilities or special needs, like allergies, or diabetes and mobility issues and all those things now. I love it. I love it so much. So you’re gonna look at your Be brave poster on the wall, you’re going to reach out to friends to get you back on track.

Melyssa
And what if you also remembered why you’re doing it? the why behind the emails in the book? Yeah, I can do that. For me. Whenever I’m doubting myself, it reminds me that what I’m doing is so much bigger than my own fears. Like you said, there’s so many people out there who’d be impacted by an idea. If only I would just do it. So I think that keeping the way in your mind too, will help you through those moments when you’re like, I don’t know about doing this.

Tiffiny
Yeah, I know why. I will keep reminding myself. Yeah.

Melyssa
Well keep me posted on how the emails and book go.

Tiffiny
I will.

Melyssa
I’m really rooting for you. Thank you. So

great. People are gonna love when you put your stuff out there too, that you’re gonna get emails and responses back from people who are like, thank you. Thank you for doing this.

Tiffiny
I hope so. Well, thank you so much. You’re so welcome, Tiffany. So good to chat with you. This has been amazing and very eye opening. I think the last thing I would do when I’m facing my fear is I’m going to re listen to this podcast. Hmm, great idea.

Melyssa
And by the way, thank you for doing this despite the field Because I have no doubt that your story today is going to inspire other people who are feeling the exact same way as you. I think your story is so universal and so many people are going to be inspired by your words. So thank you for being brave and willing to do this.