Coaching Episode: What to Do When Your Family Holds You Back From Playing Bigger (Episode 64)

Melyssa Griffin

29 min

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I’m a former high school teacher turned entrepreneur who loves few things more than a good hug, hopping on a flight to anywhere, and teaching people like you how to live an abundant and limitless life.

I’m Melyssa Griffin

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One of the risks we take in putting ourselves out there for the world to see is that we inevitably open ourselves up to the sometimes harsh and senseless criticism of others. 

It’s rare that I find entrepreneurs initially unscathed by this because negativity can hurt, period. 

Where this can become a hindrance to your business, however, is when we allow the fear of the criticism, or the criticism itself, to mean something about who we are. This allows us to stay hidden and small instead of sharing our message with the people who are needing to hear it. 

Today’s #LimitlessCoaching call might be one of my favorites yet. I have had the gift of working personally with Kelli in my mastermind program, and have been able to firsthand see her brilliance in not just her business, but her life. But something was holding Kelli back from putting herself out there, and that was the fact that no matter how much positive feedback she received online, every now and again one negative comment (usually from a stranger) would derail her and cause her to want to shrink back

In digging deeper, we were able to uncover some conditioning and patterns from Kelli’s past that still play a role in how she operates today. Once that came to light, we came up with some actionable steps and practices that Kelli could begin taking today, along with some boundaries to put in place to undo the patterning and allow herself to be free of the fear of not doing everything perfectly for everyone else. 

If you’ve ever held yourself back for fear of criticism, or for fear of not checking all of the boxes for all of the people, this episode is for you. 

I can’t wait for you to listen!

Listen to the episode below:

This episode discusses topics like…

  • What can happen when criticism affirms your fears 
  • How to start overcoming the need for validation 
  • Tips for setting boundaries in your relationships and changing the dynamic
  • Why you don’t need others approval
  • What doing it your way, without apology, will look like 

By the way, I created an entirely free, 5-day at-home digital retreat called Limitless Entrepreneur. It’s all about creating a new income stream in less than a week, as well as reprogramming the beliefs that are keeping you from a no-limits business and life. Click the image below to sign up, it’s free!
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Did this episode help you expand what’s possible for your life or business? Do you think your social media followers may learn something, too? I’d be forever grateful if you shared it on social media. 🙂 If you do, tag @melyssa_griffin and @limitlesslifepodcast so I can repost you! Woohoo!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Where are you letting the fear of other people’s opinions hold you back? What would be possible for you if released those fears?

Thank you SO much for being here, sweet friend. I’m honored to walk this journey with you. See you in the next episode!

xoxo
Melyssa

Read the Episode Transcript Here

Melyssa
So Kelli, where would you like to start today? What would help you the most?

Kelli
I feel like I have figured out so much in running my business, but the confidence aspect, no matter, you know how many income levels I breakthrough, like it is always an issue.

Melyssa
Hmm, tell me more about that. What does that look like for you?

Kelli
For me? I think a lot of it looks like when I show up online, like I can get stuck in the trap of thinking like I don’t have anything to say like I don’t have a message. And then if I do have a message just showing up, because I’m, I’m very one of those people. I want everybody to like me, and I want to do it perfectly. And obviously that’s not a good place or even realistic. But, you know, I get so many wonderful emails. I have such a wonderful community. I love them. I want to help them. But then you know when you’re running Facebook ads or you just get those occasional comments that really have nothing to do with you, but they can eat me alive. And so thinking about those, it’s just like, forget it, I’m out. I don’t want to do this, when that’s not reality either, because I love my business very much. But I think it’s just the whole, you know, online, it’s great because it allows for a lot of possibility for us. But there’s the other side of it, where you really have to put yourself out there, and you kind of take the bad and sometimes when you take in the good

Melyssa
right. So what are you making it mean about yourself if you get a comment that isn’t the kindest?

Kelli
Well, that’s a really good question. I’ve had to do a lot of work around that because like, I’ll just get a random comment on a Facebook gag. So we’ve run them all the time. We have a you know, great opt in right now that we’re getting a lot of subscribers on our email list. And like I would just have this one random comment. That’s like this is a scam or fraud and that just cuts so deeply when I know it’s not But also like I was talking to a friend last week about it, I was like, why does this mean so much? To me? This is so crazy, like, I should just, like, whatever so they do. And so they told me they’re like, have you ever done that exercise seven levels deep? And I was like, nope, I’ve never heard of it. And so I did it. And by the end of it, like, I don’t know, have you heard of that before? Okay, my fingers you had. And so by the end of it, I was in tears. And I think it’s because I realized, like, I correlate my business and my success in my business, and then any little attack on that, even if it’s true, if even if they don’t know me, it means that I’m going to lose it, I’m going to lose my business. And that’s a big huge deal to me, because I’m a single mom with three kids and 100% of their, of our financial you know, provision and everything comes out of my business every trip that we’ve gone on or you know, house that I bought or anything comes from the business. So for whatever reason, like when I see them Little comments or anything online, that’s not 100% like, oh, you’re amazing. It comes to through like an attack, like, I’m gonna lose it all, like, it’s just gonna fall apart.

Melyssa
That’s a really terrifying place to be when one comment can make you feel like everything is going to disappear.

Kelli
Absolutely. And this is nothing that I’m proud of. But just even a few years ago, three years ago, I was on welfare with my kids. And we’ve gone from that to where we are now. And so the thought that I could lose it all. Even though, in reality, I don’t think that I could. And even if I did lose it, I could build something back up again. So that’s my feeling like, I’ve been able to grow this business from nothing. And I’ve learned so much along the way and I’m not even the same person but at every level, that’s confidence issue. It is like it’s, it’s in there. And I’ve done a lot of mindset work, but it is something that is so strongly rooted that I’m just not even sure how to get past It.

Melyssa
First of all, I’m just appreciating you for being so open and honest about your experiences. That takes a lot of courage just to do that.

Kelli
Thank you. I appreciate that.

And out of that, you know, I think I want other women to know that you can create your life to look like anything, but at the same time almost feel like an imposter. Because I believe that but I think like, Oh my gosh, if I lose all this, I lose everything.

Melyssa
Hmm. What’s interesting about the comments that people might leave that aren’t the kindest, is that when they stink the most it’s usually because it’s affirming something that we already believe or fear about ourselves. So when these people say you’re a fraud, Kelly, you’re scamming people. What are you making that mean about yourself? or What does that validating within you that you might already believe about you?

Kelli
Honestly, I think it’s some kind of level of like imposter syndrome or like, Who are you to be able to show up? And there’s like, there’s not room for you. You’re a single mom with three kids, you’re on welfare. You have this history of not making excellent decisions. And so I think it’s like maybe just confirming, like, that’s who you are. That’s all you can be.

Melyssa
Right? Which is so fascinating, because when I see you, I mean, you’re in my high level mastermind you have this really successful business, you help tons of people online. And so I’m seeing this very different version of Kelly. And you’re still seeing the woman who was on welfare with three kids as a single mom, who felt like an imposter when she was creating her business. So where’s the disconnect for you that you’re We’re still living in that outdated version of who you are.

Kelli
Great question. I don’t know, I, there’s so much that I’m proud of, and so much that I’ve done, but I just don’t get why I can’t just show up as that person all the time. And it’s almost like, you know, in the beginning of my business, it was kind of that fake, you know, fake it till you make it and you figured all this stuff out. But I’m like, with the confidence stuff, you can’t really fake that, you know, on a genuine level, like, you can fake it till you make it for a little while, but it doesn’t last. Until I’m not really sure why I default back to who I used to be. Other than maybe I was just that person for so long. That I’m not. I think when you have that kind of mindset, you know, in the stories that you believe from your childhood and in your early adulthood, it’s stuck in there, you know, like it really takes hold. And so I think it’s just hard to believe that I can be this other person Hmm.

Melyssa
Is it possible that you always were this other person, even when you were the single mom on welfare?

Kelli
Yeah, I think so. I mean, there was always a part of me that was like I made for more than this. I was made for more than the situation’s that I put myself in the, in the choices I made in my life.

Melyssa
How did you know that you were made for more? I think

Kelli
that just like, I felt it, you know, like, I even felt it when I was a little kid. I was like, not gonna be like everybody else, or I’m not gonna just live in this little town and make, you know, 20,000 a year or whatever.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And so you said that you had a history of making not great decisions and finding yourself in this place in life. That wasn’t where you wanted it to be. So what led you to that place after being this little girl who felt like she was always made for more and meant to do big things?

Kelli
What led me to the place of like, just not living up to my potential like that place? I’m just so I didn’t really value myself. Even when I was really young, like it kind of stems from just not a bad childhood but not ideal very dysfunctional. So I think just thinking, I don’t know it was I was always at war with myself like no I’m gonna be better than that because my parents like we weren’t we were not on welfare you know, like they were middle class they did the best they could but there was just a lot of dysfunction within the family. And like, I wasn’t really allowed to shine my light alert, you know, like I could not stand in the spotlight. There was no such thing as a spotlight grown up. It was more just look like you have it all together. That was my family’s like our powerhouse, like our strong point look like you have it all together. Don’t let anybody see that. You know, we are really messed up inside the walls of the house, you know, and I think it was kind of just something from there. Mm hmm. You know, like it just, I just didn’t value myself for a long time.

Melyssa
Yeah. And what messages did you get? Because I would assume that there were moments when you probably tested the spotlight, you’re like, you tried to put yourself out there as a kid and then realize that it wasn’t something that was okay. In your family. Do you remember any of those moments? Or what messages you received about?

Kelli
Yeah, Yeah, I do. Because it was very consistent. Like, I think I kind of wanted to step out and be like, Hey, you know, I have something to contribute to. But it like, we weren’t allowed to do that. Our house was very strict, very religious. And if you cast a light on yourself, and you’re taking it off, something that maybe mattered, more importantly, to the family or the beliefs, you know, so yeah, that was like a consistent message. You know, stay in your lane. Sit down. Don’t talk just be invisible.

Melyssa
Hmm. Wow. If you cast a light on yourself, you’re taking away from something more important, be invisible. Yeah, that kind of message can be very confronting when somebody on a Facebook ad is telling you that you’re a fraud.

Kelli
Right? Yeah, definitely you’re a scam.

Melyssa
Because you’re casting a light on something that deep deep down inside of you, you’ve been ingrained to believe is not important. Or not valuable.

Kelli
Yes. Which I’ve never thought about that before, but I could see where that would kind of connect.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And even if it’s not what you believe, because I, I believe that you know, that what you do is important and valuable and that you enjoy it, but because those messages that maybe you got a long time ago about what is important and what’s not. It can still be like simmering there beneath the surface.

Kelli
Yeah, definitely because I still feel like a big loyalty to my family as well. We’re all still really close. And I love my parents deeply. And while I think there were a lot of mistakes made, like I think they really did the best that they could.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Tell me more about your closeness to your family posts in what way like you call them every week. Talk to them every day.

Kelli
Oh, yeah. Like my mom and my sister and my dad. And I mean, I don’t talk to my dad every week, but he is in town. So we’ve always been like really close my parents. They divorced when I was 17. But that never that really never stopped the closeness. We still did like family barbecues or you know, even after they both got remarried. And there’s a lot of like, I don’t want to say, Whoa, this is so crazy, but I still crave their approval continuously. You know, and it’s like, I want to make them so proud.

Melyssa
Appreciate you being so transparent about that.

Kelli
You’re welcome.

Melyssa
So what’s interesting is, it almost feels like your parents are this placeholder that other people are put into like people on Facebook ads people in your community potentially. But they’re all like archetypes for your parents and the approval that you want to seek from them. And so it almost feels if I can be honest with you like this sort of codependency because codependency says, I need you in order to give me self worth. And I’ll kind of bend myself if it means that I’m going to get approval from you. And it can show up in a lot of places with people we’re romantically involved with our business with our parents, a lot of different ways that codependency can show up but if it’s showing up with your parents to this day, and it’s kind of coming from this place of I need your approval, I crave it. I crave for you to validate that what I’m doing is good. Then you will bend yourself your authentic expression in order to fit what you think they want you to Be. And then when you’re in your business and you’re bending yourself to be what you think your audience wants you to be, and the people on Facebook ads want you to be, then you start to lose the Kelly underneath. And I know that your word for the year is bold. And I can understand why because it’s like that authentic. Just I’m going to do me and me only version of you has been sitting there since you were a kid wanting to just like shine her light, and do you 100% but it feels like there’s kind of this, this watering down where you’re trying to like bend to meet the approval of everybody. And that can be kind of a losing battle. Because then number one, you’re bending yourself in so many directions that you can’t please everybody because you’re contorting yourself in so many different ways. And so that means that you won’t get approval from some people because now you’re like, you can’t really fit the box that every single person in the world wants you to be You know what I mean? No, yeah. You’re like, yeah, that’s my life. Yeah. Right. And to is that it means that the self worth of feeling deeply connected to you can start to fade away when we’re placing our worth and our, our internal approval in the hands of other people, including people who read our stuff on a Facebook ad, people who don’t even know it can dig that deep into how we show up in the world. So, first of all, I would just love to hear if any of that is resonating with you.

Kelli
Oh, 100% like that nailed it so much. And like, I never saw it from that perspective before that, but that made so much sense. Yeah.

Melyssa
Yeah. And so what I am curious about then is Do you have any boundaries in place with your family, not to remove the clutter But we went from talking one minute about growing up with a dysfunctional family and how you couldn’t shine your light. And you’re taught to value yourself. And you had to look like you had it all together. And you were trying to seek approval from everyone else. We talked about that one minute. And then the next one that we talked about how you’re still super close to your family, you talk to them at least weekly. And so I’m seeing this, this sort of thread that hasn’t been broken or hasn’t been rewired yet, because it’s still there. So do you have any conscious boundaries in place to start to remove that thread? Are we wired in some way?

Kelli
You know, honestly, I don’t and it’s not because I don’t think boundaries are amazing. I’m just not sure how to set them because if I’m not available by phone or whatever, 24 seven. Hopefully he’ll never hear this mitten Nathan. I’m upset with them, or mad, or they’re just very clingy in their own ways.

Melyssa
Right. And so, if I can be honest, when that happens, and it’s common to where if we’re not showing up in the way that somebody wants us to, then they want us to show up in the way that they want us to. So they’ll find subtle ways to manipulate us. And usually it’s subconscious. And it’s like you said, you can find a lot of forgiveness when people are doing this, because you know that they’re doing the best. But it still can be this form of manipulation of while Kelly’s trying to do her own thing. She’s trying to be independent. She’s trying to not talk to us exactly when we want you said 24 seven. And so we’re going to think she’s mad at us or we’re going to complain about it instead of inquiring or just having a conversation. And so it can almost manipulate you back into that place of, oh gosh, I tried to step out of line and look what happened. And now I need to be available 24 seven around the clock. Otherwise they’re gonna be mad again. And so when you create boundaries, you have to be willing to live with some of the projections that will come up. And it might be a little difficult at first because they might not understand and you can explain to them that you don’t have to say like I’m creating boundaries because my childhood was dysfunctional, you can just let them know that you’re noticing that you don’t have as much time to prioritize other things or you can find a way to communicate it that feels in alignment and doesn’t intentionally hurt them. But I think until you’re willing to create those boundaries, and until you’re willing to look inside to find your approval instead of outside, then this problem will still show up and it’ll still be a road to get to that point of Confidence. But I think that’s the first step. Because it’s hard to rewire the patterns that we have when we’re still like living in the dynamic that created them in the first place.

Kelli
Yeah, that makes sense. And this was the thing that even came up at the retreat, you know, because when you had us like, I want y’all to text each other and be account, you know, be accountable accountability, buddy than my one of my thing was like to set these boundaries. And then the world fell apart. And so, you know, those boundaries really never got set like they needed to. And so it’s just a, you know, recurring problem.

Melyssa
What was the boundary that you wanted to set when we were at the retreat?

Kelli
Just something basic, like, you know, I’m so busy with my three children in my business that at times, just that, you know, it feels like it’s like someone’s pulled like when you said, you’re feeling like you’re pulled from all these different angles, you know, ankles like that. Totally. That’s what I feel like almost all the time. And so my thing was just like I wanted to Just sit down with them and be like, you know, seriously, this is such a huge big year to work on my business, and I’ve got to have time for my children. There’s not much leftover, honestly, for me, and I wish and that’s almost like, I feel like that’s a character flaw within myself, like, I should be better my shoulder should be able to handle more, but I can’t. And so I just wanted to tell them, you know, if you don’t hear from me, it doesn’t mean anything other than I’m just really trying to get all this sorted.

Melyssa
Right? And what if you say that to them? And they say you’re selfish, and how could you say that to us? Or your parents?

Kelli
I don’t honestly know if they would say that. I think it would be like, okay, whatever. And then they’ll continue to call or text or, you know, like,

Melyssa
they just violate the boundaries that you said, And so it sounds like it’s up to you to reiterate the boundary.

Kelli
Yeah, definitely. I mean, it’s already To me whether I pick my phone up or not, you know, and I could definitely say I could tell them this, and they’re not going to be like, you’re so awful. It’s just almost like I hate confrontation. And so I will just deal with it rather than go out of my way to, you know, put the extra energy into setting the boundary.

Melyssa
And saying that another way is, I don’t like conflict, so I will abandon myself, instead of having to have a conflict with somebody else.

Kelli
100% Yeah, yeah.

Melyssa
And then it’s really difficult to create that sense of confidence or security in ourselves when we’re consistent, willing to abandon ourselves. So the practice of not abandoning ourselves of sticking to the boundaries of the things that are important for us taking care of us, is how we start to get to that place of confidence and self trust.

Kelli
That seems like a lot of work, but I know it’d be worth it.

Melyssa
Yeah, well, why are you A lot of childhood patterns that are still at play is a lot of work. It can, it can take a little while. And I think honestly, in some form, it probably will take a lifetime. But you’ll see a lot of progress if you start focusing on it now. And you might notice little things that come up years later, but you’ll be in a much different place than maybe right now where every little jab feels like the world is ending. Because you said a second ago that you feel like your shoulders should be able to hold more. Yeah, to me that they’re just a reflection of what you learned when you were a kid when you were saying that your family even though it was dysfunctional on the inside. The message was to look put together on the outside look like you’ve got it all going on, so that nobody would know. Yeah, so for you now you’re like, Why do I feel so stressed and I’m not taking care of myself and it’s because you’re doing everything that you learned, but isn’t actually serving you anymore.

Kelli
Right. Yeah. And I think it’s kind of at the point where I really need to work through this. I’ve done it long enough. It’s it’s not working going forward. And I really do feel like I’ve got a good solid business. If I could just get through this, you know, because the mindsets so much more than everything else, then I feel like if I just had that inkling, like, if I got through this, I would become unstoppable.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Right word unstoppable. What would that look like to you if you were unstoppable?

Kelli
I think you know, just like showing up every day, doing my thing. If someone gets upset about it, that’s okay. Because I’m not there to entertain them or you know, like, it’s not their cup of tea, I want to be able just to be like, that’s okay. I don’t pick up every jar of mayonnaise in the grocery store. There’s a specific kind of like, you know, when it’s okay, if I say no to the others or whatever, and I just want to feel like it’s not that big a deal. And just, you know, have that confidence of like, that’s okay. So Somebody else is there for them. I’m here for my people.

Melyssa
Hmm. That is so well said. And I love the Manny’s example too. It’s awesome. And so logically, it sounds like you understand that, that you don’t have to be for everyone. But you just got to be for the people who you’re for.

Kelli
Yeah, definitely. And I feel I think another thing, I’m like, I tell my students this all the time, why can’t I? You know, like, just do what I say don’t do what I do.

Melyssa
Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, what I’ve noticed is that the things we teach are usually the things that we get to do within our own lives. They’re often the things we’re learning or have recently learned. So you’re not alone in that

good. Yeah. So going back to that, I know we started by talking about a lot of things actually, I’m looking at my notes, but talking about how when you see a Facebook ads comment of somebody saying that you’re a scam or a fraud. So as we’ve been talking about it A lot of different things in this conversation. How are you seeing that? That event now, people saying that you’re a scam?

Kelli
Honestly, it doesn’t feel as heavy. I’m not as connected to it. Think because when you were like, Oh, you feel this is this way, this is how it is. I’m just like, oh, wow, I just having someone repeat that back to me. I feel like oh, okay, I don’t need to be that wrapped up in them. I don’t have to look for their approval, I need to look for myself approval. And that’s huge in itself. And it may seem like such a simple thing. But I think just hearing that back really is freeing of like, you know, those people might just be having a bad day or whatever, or they didn’t get the email because I went to their spam box or something. And I don’t know, maybe I need to give them space to be themselves because I sure want space to be myself.

Melyssa
Whoa. That’s pretty profound. Maybe I should give themselves so I can have space to be myself. Oh, very well said.

Kelli
Yeah, and when I come at it from that point and like, then there is room enough for all of us, and it just doesn’t. I don’t know, they can say what they want to say. And I’m sure I know I have a lot of work to deal with there. But just think that kind of softens it a little bit.

Melyssa
What’s really beautiful about what you just said that they can be themselves and I can be myself is that that wasn’t the message that you grew up with. The message that you grew up with, it sounds like is here’s the particular way that you’re allowed to be yourself. And if you’re not this way, then we’re gonna manipulate or make you feel bad or do something so that you fall in line and you do it the way we want you to. And so what this shows me is that you’re connected to this authentic part of you that says, I can be me and you can be you and that’s 100%. Okay, but when you’re disconnected from that authentic part of you, then you look at the Facebook ad comments and think you’re not being the way that I need you to be in order for me to feel good about myself. So until you’re the way that I need you to be, because that’s what I learned when I was a kid, then I’m going to feel upset and worthless until you’re the way that I need you to be.

Kelli
Wow. That’s really insightful because it’s crazy to me that you are able just to be like, Oh, this is what’s going on around my childhood because that was exactly it. And yeah, I’ve been so frustrated sometimes with my audience of like, can they just like, I’m trying so hard over here. I’m producing this free content. I’m doing this Can’t you just, like, respected already? So yeah, that’s huge. And 92. Seriously, just let them do them. So I can be me and nobody has to fall into little boxes.

Melyssa
Huh. Nobody has to fall into little boxes. Wow. You have so many great lines, your briefing.

Kelli
I think you’re just pulling it out of me.

Melyssa
Yeah. I mean, yeah, it’s, you’re doing a wonderful job. But what I love about This is when you started the conversation you were talking about you as a little girl who was the girl that wanted to go against the grain and wanted to do things differently and wanted to be bold and be in the spotlight. And, and that part of you that was designed to be a little bit of a rebel has been kind of kicked out of you, like you’ve learned that you have to be a certain way in your family system in order to get approval. And so that started to shift the rebel inside of you to thinking, well, I need to kind of control the experience of the people around me so that they approve of me. Otherwise, two different people can exist at the same time because then it’s scary. And I don’t know how to handle that.

Kelli
Yeah, so how can you

Melyssa
I just think this is such a cool concept of being able to honor the uniqueness in you and the uniqueness in someone else and not needing them to be the same How can Look in your life, if you create some sort of practice where you can honor the way you do things, the way you say things, and the way somebody on Facebook comment does or says might be different than you without a D railing, you

Kelli
know, honestly just I think the way I feel about my kids and how I want them to have the freedom to be whoever they’re going to be, you know, whatever that looks like, I want them to be able to make mistakes, I want them to be crazy, like in love at one point, I want them to be so happy. I want them to go through all of it just so they have a rich, full life. And so when I think of that, and like, what comes along with that is letting them be how they want to be even though that might make it harder on me at some point or you know, they’re defiant or whatever, like their personality is who they are. And that’s okay. And I love them anyway. And so when I think when I go forward when I look at any silly Facebook comment or someone’s not liking, you know Like what I do, if I can look at it through that lens of you know what it’s okay be you do what you need to do, because I’m going to be me and do what I need to do. Hmm. And just have that, you know, I need to probably ride it out. So I’ll see it at my desk every day. And just start the day with that’s how I’m going to go through the day. Because the alternative is exhausting.

Melyssa
Right, on the alternative keeps you playing smaller.

Kelli
Yes. And I don’t have time for that. I just don’t anymore, you know.

Melyssa
Yeah. I really like this idea, this thread of honoring you and honoring others at the same time.

Kelli
It feels good. It feels like I’m coming at it from my heart. And I think that’s because, you know, one of the things like my parents did the best they could, but they were very critical and not encouraging, you know, like, and so I think I’m just, I’m grateful that they were that way so I can make sure I’m not that way with my kids. And it just opens up a space for Yeah, I can be. I can do it my way and be okay. And I think that’s just reflected back Like when I’m able to see that’s what I want for my kids. Well, that’s what I want for me too. And just remind myself that I don’t have to be this perfect little professional, you know, like, I’m just running my business so great, even though it’s killing me. I can just do it, how I want to do it.

Melyssa
What would that look like, if you were doing it exactly how you want to do it?

Unknown Speaker
It definitely boundaries. You know, even, there’s only so many hours of the day that we all have. And you know, like, I’ve got this huge Facebook group and it’s such an awesome community. But like, for instance, I had a lady in there and I love her so much. She’s so amazing. She’s like, we need to hear from you. We need a video from you. And we need some mirror positivity. And I’m just like, barely hanging on here. Like I’ve got stacks and stacks of work. I’ve got to do you know, and I lovingly told her I was like, you know, I’ve had to kind of turn the group over to my assistant. She’s rocking it. And I’m promise I’m here with y’all just got to get to this first. And I think even before like six months ago, I would have been like, Oh my gosh, I’m You got to do this. So they’re wanting me to show up. And so just placing those loving, or those boundaries lovingly in place, so I can show up. Because I think now I’ve learned, like, if I can serve my energy, protect my energy and show up, when I can, then it’s gonna look so much better to them. If I’m just doing it sporadically. And I’m just completely, you know, like my cup is completely empty. So I think the boundaries thing needs to be put into place in a lot of areas.

Kelli
Okay, that’s helpful.

Melyssa
So boundaries, if you’re going to do your life and your business, your way you’ll have boundaries, what else what else would be if you were describing this totally Kelly version of you and your company? What would it look like?

Kelli
I’m hesitant to say this because I don’t want to offend anybody, but also, I want to be able to talk about what I’ve achieved or talk about my success and not get people upset about it. Because it’s really hard to do that because I I’ve done that before. And then I get some bad Facebook messages or something, you know. And I just like I was hesitant to talk about even going to Los Angeles to meet you not because you’re not amazing, but just the fact of like, I don’t want someone saying like, wow, who do you think you are getting to do that? And that’s fine. Nothing, they would say, it’s probably built up in my head. But I just want to be like, where I can be open about whatever is going on in my life and not have people know, I’m gonna rephrase that because I was about to say not have them judge me. If they want to judge me they can. I want to be okay with who I am, how I am and how I do my stuff.

Melyssa
Yeah. And what’s interesting and tell me if I’m wrong, but the comments that you made about people judging you for talking about your success, or saying Who do you think you are to go to a retreat like that? Are those the types of things that your parents would be if they knew your success?

Kelli
Yeah, cuz Don’t be too flashy. You know, don’t be you just Stay quiet small stay in line, you know, did so what? Yeah, definitely. And I never thought about that before either.

Melyssa
So when we’re still living in that dynamic with our family because we don’t have those strong boundaries with them, we haven’t created some separation, then we’ll continue to project the patterning that we learned from the people who trained us to learn those patterns. So even if you talk about because I think if you talk about your success and going to these mastermind retreats and how your business has grown from being on welfare to a few years later running this super successful company, I think that would really inspire the heck out of a lot of people. But there’s still this like projection that you’re going to talk about it and people are gonna say, Oh, do you think you are?

Kelli
Yeah, and now that you bring that up, like so, like, what is it may in February, got a home Listen to this, I took my mom to go see Oprah and Dallas like we did a girls, you know, retreat paid for everything great hotel, all this. And we were talking and she means well, but she said, Well, you really think you’re superior to other people, don’t you? And it was like a dagger in my heart because I don’t at all, like, I don’t come at it from that in my heart of hearts. Uh, just to give her a nice weekend. And so I think I never thought about this before. But I think just like hearing those kind of thoughts, like my audience is gonna say that too. And so it’s really hard to be like, Hey, this is what I’ve done. Because I do want this for other women. No woman should have to be a single mom on welfare and feel like she has no options. Like, do you want to help people like that? When I’m not truly going to be able to until I get out of my own way?

Melyssa
How do you get out of your own way?

Kelli
Just Yeah, just the boundaries and just realizing that I don’t need other people’s approval. The approval mean, that’s really all that matters.

Melyssa
Yeah. And that can be easier said than done, because that’s a tall order. Yeah, I do think creating for a good amount of time right now, some intentional detachment from your family and not just like cutting them off. But I think as you’re working on these things, it’s hard to be in the same dynamic, while you’re trying to think about these topics and confront them and get rid of them, so that they don’t have to keep plaguing you. So it’s kind of like creating a good like some arm’s length distance between you and your family for a period of time. And then and working on these patterns during that time. And then when you come back, it can almost almost be like this practice where you come back and now being with them, talking to them can be your practice on maintaining that level of confidence and self approval, even if you’re back in the dynamic with them. And at that time, you can also decide how much time do you want to spend with your family if they’re committed to staying in these patterns of criticizing you and trying to kind of hold you back from the bigness that you know that you’re meant for. Because that’s a that type of comment of Who do you think you are for doing something nice for me?

That’s really painful.

Kelli
It hurt. It did a lot. Yeah, it’s stuck with me for Well, I mean, it’s still with me, obviously. But like it’s done for a few months after that,

Melyssa
of course, because it just like rehashed a wound that’s been there your whole life. And that even is in your mind as you’re thinking, do I share them going to this retreat? Do I share what this thing that I’m excited about? Do I share about my business? And then it can feel like when somebody leaves a comment on Facebook ad that says you’re a fraud? It could be like your mom’s voice in your ear saying, Who do you think you are? Yeah, and that’s why that’s why when we feel it’s a good signal, when you feel that Like an intense amount of emotion about something like that, a Facebook comment, you know that it’s not actually the comment that’s hurting you. It’s the weight of something from the past that probably happened a lot of times that is still unhealed. And that is coming out. Like when you see somebody who lashes out about something that seems really small and you’re like, Dude, why are you freaking out about that small thing? it’s usually because it triggered a really painful wound that still hasn’t been healed yet. And so the response may seem inordinately huge for the situation, but that’s where it’s coming from is Sheree triggering something

Kelli
that makes a lot of sense, and I don’t think I would have really equated that to

Melyssa
something that you said a few minutes ago about a we were talking about what would your business and life look like if you were doing it your way and you said that you would you would put yourself out there you would talk about your business’s success. You wouldn’t be afraid of talking about those things. But you would put it out there and people wouldn’t get upset about it. And I thought that was interesting, as we’ve been talking about letting people do them and you do you, it’s like, I will put myself out there and I’m going to play big and I’m going to be seen, and

Kelli
they’re gonna do what I want them to do.

Melyssa
They’re not gonna get mad at me about it. That’s how I’ll know that I’m doing it my way.

Kelli
Right? Yeah, no, that’s obviously some major wiring. But when I see my big vision, you know, I would love to be on the stage someday. And I’m really shy. Like, I’m an introvert and it’s, you know, I, that just seems like such a crazy big dream, almost like why you’re crazy. But to get paid to talk, you know, like, once you have to get to that point. And obviously, if I want to get to that point, then I need to not worry about what other people think of me. Because I do at the end of the day, like, I do feel like I do. Have a lot of things that I could share, you know, and make an impact somewhere.

Melyssa
Yeah, are you kidding me? I can see the title now from well, fair single mom to multiple six figure business from running from her house, doing amazing things for her family flying around the world. Like, you’re crushing it, and everyone else sees it, but maybe it’s time for you to see it, too.

Kelli
I agree. And I’m just gonna accept that I’m gonna receive it. Because when you said that to me, I’m like, Whoa, no, you know, but it’s true. So I need to just step into it. Not so much for the glory for me, but it’s because I can help others with that information. Hmm.

Melyssa
Maybe you can take a little of the goal for yourself to write a little bit like your mom and your ear saying, yeah. don’t shine the light on you unless your needs to be on something more than so yeah. I think you can actually accept some of that praise A lot of it. One thing that you mentioned, that you want to speak on stage is you want to be seen more, but you’re shy and introverted. Number one, I don’t really think that’s true. And number two, and I’ll tell you why in a second. And number two, the more that you identify yourself as shy, and I won’t say introverted because you might be introverted, but shy, I think is mutually exclusive of being introverted. So, the more that you identify as shy or incapable of getting on a stage and persuading or wowing people or charming them, the more that you’ll keep yourself in that frequency and that way of being and seeing yourself. So my perception of you is that because I’ve met you in person, I’ve done coaching calls with you, I’ve gone to talk to you quite often. I think you’re a very personable human. I think you have a really genuine personality and Being around you is like being around. I don’t know, like something that just makes you feel free and loved. And, yeah, there’s just no judgment that comes out of you. And you just have this really beautiful way of existing. And so I think that if you got on a stage and told your story, people would fall in love with the authenticity that you exude. You don’t have to be the loudest person in a room to be worthy of sharing your story. And what’s really cool is that I had our retreat, I know that you were a little quieter during some of the group activities, but at the end when we were talking, you just I wish for everyone who’s listening. You could have seen Kelly at the end there because she was powerhouse of just telling the world to go just like flip the bird and you’re like, I’m a bold rebel and just like Fuck everyone else because this is who I am. And I’m stepping into my power. And I saw that and I think that that’s that is who you are not the shy person who’s afraid to get on the stage

Kelli
in queue so much for that, that means the world to me. And that was truly one of the most magical, empowering moments of my life that felt so good.

Melyssa
It was one of my favorite parts of the retreat to see you really stepping into your power. So you’re going to do business your way, you’re going to create some boundaries.

Kelli
Definitely, because it’s worth it. And I think it would just one it would make things a lot easier, but it would just make things so much more meaningful. And not running it from a place that’s you know, just exhaustion trying to please everybody, but just doing it my way would feel so good.

Melyssa
Yeah. So what’s a practice that you can keep moving forward? That will maybe we can set up a couple practices but a practice moving forward that will remind you what Your Way looks like and the fact that you want to do it your way. So something for that. And then a practice that will remind you that other people can do things their way. And it doesn’t mean anything about you. It’s just their way of doing things too. So if you get to do it your way, then they get to do it their way. So what are some practices or routines or things that might help you to stay in alignment with these intentions? I think

Kelli
holding that vision of me being on stage one day feels really powerful. And then the second part of that, like trying to let me be me, let them be them. A practice around that. Let me think

Melyssa
about the first one real quick. Okay, the vision of you being on stage. Tell me more about what this can look like in your morning routine.

Kelli
Every morning I go out to my back porch weather permitting and journal things out and I really try to hold like at least five minutes just for visualization because that’s really helped me Lot Tim business in life. And I think just seeing myself there or thinking or feeling that, you know, feeling how would feel like right before I step on stage, like when I think about that I get so enthusiastic and I’m like, I’m already amped up off the energy of the crowd. And so that just seems like so awesome. I’m like, I’ve got to have some of that you know, almost like I’m about to skydive or something which I would never do. So just filling into that, I think,

Melyssa
would help so much. I love that. And if as you’re imagining this, you’re on your stage, your people are laughing at your jokes. If you’re imagining this, visualizing it, and then that voice creeps in from your mom who says, Look, how big do you think you are? What are you doing on a stage? What can you do in that moment? If that thought crosses your mind?

Kelli
Honestly, you know, I think I want everybody to win. And so when I think about that comment and when I think about it from a place So like, I can still be empowered. That doesn’t mean that you’re less than it doesn’t mean that I’m above you, I want you to win too. And so if I think about it, you know, from that place, I’m like, we literally all can win. You know, that just gives me more space to be like, again, you do your thing, I’ll do my thing. And we all can do our things. And it’s going to be amazing.

Melyssa
And can I share an idea with you that crossed my mind about how you could practice

Kelli
that? Oh, please, yes,

Melyssa
is if your mom’s voice or anyone’s voice pops in your head, when you’re thinking about how big you’re going to play. You can send them love, and say, I get to play big and so you do too. And I honor you, how you get to play full out in your life and I love you and I forgive you and just sending the love and the forgiveness and seeing people in the highest version of themselves to

Kelli
Oh, I love that so much. Because I know anybody that would say that to me, they need that love, you know, and so if I can step in and send it to them like that just feels really, really good.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. And I always find you’ve ever done a loving kindness meditation, where you’re basically sending love out to lots of different people in the world and always just leaves you feeling more connected and grounded and peaceful because you’re not harboring resentment or hate it’s just I love you Even if you’re not doing it the way I want you to. I can send you love to

Kelli
Yes, I will. You won’t do that with my kids when we used to drive to school and be like hey, I love you. I hope you have a great day today just talking to the cards fastness you know, just to put that positivity out there first thing in the morning like I don’t know what kind of day you’re having, but I hope somehow this impacts you and if it doesn’t, it’s gonna impact us. Either way, it’s a win

Melyssa
Hmm. I love that something that I was interviewing somebody on my podcast Radha grow wall and she said that she when she walks around always imagines people wearing this backpack and the backpack is full of their baggage, their feelings, the things that happened to them. That morning. And so whenever you interact with somebody, remember that you’re interacting with the backpack too. And it’s not your fault if they show up in a way. That’s not how you want them to, but it’s just the backpack.

Kelli
I love that.

Melyssa
Yeah, I love that too. Maybe that can be part of the practice of remembering that you get to do it your way. And they get to do it their way because we’re all wearing our own jansport backpacks. And so there’s no right there’s no wrong there’s just doing it the way you want to do it.

Kelli
Absolutely. That is so beautiful.

Melyssa
How are you feeling now? Kelly?

Kelli
I’m feeling so much lighter. In so much like, whoever wants to leave a comment, like, that’s okay, because I’m going to see them so much love about me. I’m ready. got all kinds of love up in here and I will be glad to send it your way

Melyssa
and send it your way too.

Kelli
That’s absolutely true. Yes.

Melyssa
Love it. Thank you Kelly. Thank you so much. It was it was amazing.

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