Coaching Episode: What to Do When You Put Everyone Else’s Needs Before Your Own (Episode 66)

Melyssa Griffin

26 min

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I’m a former high school teacher turned entrepreneur who loves few things more than a good hug, hopping on a flight to anywhere, and teaching people like you how to live an abundant and limitless life.

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What I love most about #LimitlessCoaching calls is that oftentimes the problem someone brings to the session is not actually the problem that’s holding them back. 

Today’s call is no exception, and proof that when we are willing to get honest and vulnerable about what is really going on, we can uncover the things that have been just waiting to be looked at. 

I had the gift of having an incredible conversation with Ali, who came to me saying that she’s having an especially hard time staying driven. She’s been feeling that good ol’ shiny object syndrome, and wants to get back to the motivated and productive side of herself. 

What we were unable to uncover as our conversation went deeper, however, was that her problem actually had very little to do with not being motivated

Instead, it ended up being something that I believe so many of you will be able to relate to; the fear and resistance around asking for support. 

If you’ve ever felt like you had to be able to do it all, and do it all perfectly, or that asking for help somehow made you seem like you were “less than” or weak in some way, I believe today’s conversation will be incredibly helpful (and liberating) to you. 

Let’s dive in! 

Listen to the episode below:

This episode discusses topics like…

  • What she’d really want to do if there were no “bright, shiny objects” to pursue
  • Why Ali has felt guilt in asking for support and help from others
  • The reasons I tell her that there is really no such thing as failure
  • The clarity that Ali is gaining, and the key values she wants to guide her life
  • Some practical exercises she can do to ensure that she is living by these values moving forward 

By the way, I created an entirely free, 5-day at-home digital retreat called Limitless Entrepreneur. It’s all about creating a new income stream in less than a week, as well as reprogramming the beliefs that are keeping you from a no-limits business and life. Click the image below to sign up, it’s free!
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Share on social?

Did this episode help you expand what’s possible for your life or business? Do you think your social media followers may learn something, too? I’d be forever grateful if you shared it on social media. 🙂 If you do, tag @melyssa_griffin and @limitlesslifepodcast so I can repost you! Woohoo!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Where are you letting the fear of other people’s opinions hold you back? What would be possible for you if released those fears?

Thank you SO much for being here, sweet friend. I’m honored to walk this journey with you. See you in the next episode!

xoxo
Melyssa

Read the Episode Transcript Here

Melyssa
So when I do coaching calls with people, I tend to notice that they will come to me with a specific problem that they think is the problem that’s holding them back. And then through some coaching and through some chatting with them about what’s really holding them back, it often ends up being something totally different, which I just think is fascinating. So for today’s coaching call, I’m joined by Ali who came to me saying that she’s having a hard time staying driven, especially during this period of isolation, quarantine COVID, all the things. She’s feeling the shiny object syndrome hardcore, and really just wants to connect more to that motivated productive side of herself. But what’s interesting is that as we got into the conversation that you’re about to listen to, it really wasn’t about her being driven or not. It wasn’t about her having the motivation or not Instead, it ended up being something that I think is going to be so relatable to a lot of listeners today, we talk a lot about what it feels like to ask for support, why it’s so much more comfortable to take care of everyone else around you instead of asking for help for yourself or even just taking care of yourself. And so we really dig deep into that today with Ali and get to the core of Why is she not asking for support? Why is she not receiving the love and support that’s available to her and we come up with a plan so that Ali can live in more alignment with her values, instead of her fears so that she can ask for support when she needs it instead of hiding when she feels afraid or feels like she’s at her breaking point. So this conversation is probably going to be very relatable for you. And something that I know is going to help a lot of people out there so stay tuned for this really incredible coaching call with us. Hi, I’m Melyssa Griffin. And while I was in my 20s, I turned a hobby blog into a multi million dollar company. Now what I’ve discovered after working with thousands of entrepreneurs is that the greatest thing standing in the way of success isn’t another business tactic or marketing strategy. It’s your own mindset. Now, I believe that you’re meant for more than just the status quo. So on this show, you’ll feel like you’re sitting down with a friend who’s here to help you transform your fears and roadblocks into a truly limitless version of yourself. It’s time to upgrade your life and business from the inside out. Let’s do this. All right, Ali. What do you want to talk about today?

Ali
Well, I started my first website, nurse con crunchy calm last October and it was something I’d actually been thinking about for almost 10 years and Finally just did it. And when I did it, I was waffling between do I talk about health and wellness? Or do I talk about grief after losing children? And which one do I want to do and health and wellness felt a whole lot safer. It’s a world that I’ve lived in for a long time, I felt comfortable talking about it. And I’ve loved the experience of building that page and the email list and really making that happen. And around early December, nearly two months into it. I had this. I just kept feeling pulled that. No, I meant to really work in the grief space. And every time I’d work with a client, it would come around to grief or the losses that she’d had and I found that people were coming to me who had had this experience. This was happening before but just seeking someone who could understand that journey and could help support them through it. And I do believe health and wellness is an important piece of grief. So at first I thought, well, maybe I can just add it on, like, another layer on a cake. And then I really realized No, this needs to be its own thing. I want this to have its own life to really grow on its own. And I when I was on my journey, I blogged for a little while before it got so intense that I really needed to go in a lot more. And the name of my blog was love loss living. And during my grief journey, I had this epiphany of I want to have a podcast I want to talk to other people on this journey. I want to talk to people who are experts and create a space where people can come and know that they’re not walking this journey alone, that there is a community that maybe none of us really want to be part of but that’s here that understands and can be with you in this pain and isn’t going to try and shut that pain down. I felt really called want to do this and I decided okay for my son’s third birthday, I am going to launch love loss living as a podcast. And just I say it and I get chills like I know that I meant to do this I feel so in alignment and called to do it. And with changes that have occurred with COVID-19 and lack of childcare for my daughter, I have really kind of been spinning out I guess would be the best way to put it and I find myself where I’m not feeling like I want to do work and I know a part of that is the grief experience. We’re all in with COVID and trying to figure out how to navigate life now that we’re homeschooling don’t have childcare aren’t leaving our homes unless we it’s essential. We’re all in this together. But I find that I’m having a hard time staying on track and staying driven and I don’t know how much of that is Because I’m just scared, because this is a really big topic and I want to do it well, because I feel very passionate about supporting people on their grief journey. And it’s new to me, health and wellness. I’ve been a nurse for 13 years, I feel really comfortable working in that space. And this is totally new space. So I don’t know how much if this is me being fearful and self sabotaging and using what’s happening is an excuse, or is this, you know, my body telling me like, Hey, we need more self care right now and to take our foot off the gas. And I think this is a head game that I struggle with at this point, where should I keep pushing? Or is it that my body’s calling for self care and I find when I am feeling in alignment that I’m like, I got this and I have a lot more energy and I feel more driven around work, but I just feel like I’m able to achieve things Better, whereas right now I’m like, oh, what do I do. And then when I do have time, and I want to, I find myself not knowing what steps to take next. Or if I know what steps to take, I get caught in the weeds elsewhere. And so there’s definitely mindset stuff around what’s happening right now.

Melyssa
Amazing. Thank you for sharing all of that. And let me just reflect it back to you to make sure I’ve got it all. So you have this vision of this really important mission that you you want to carry out. But you’re noticing that you’re stalling on that and not doing it to the level that you want to. And you’re not sure if it’s because you’re afraid, and we can talk about the fears that might be behind it. Or it might be because we’re all going through this period of collective grief. And that’s bringing up this feeling of just needing to take some time for yourself and take care of yourself and not focus on this business or this project. And you’re not really sure which one it is or maybe it’s both Something else. And so that’s one thing. And then there’s also this feeling of what steps would I even take if I did do it? and not knowing this, the actual steps that you should take is sometimes creating this feeling of distraction, where you’re doing a lot of other things besides the thing that you want to be doing. is all about tonight. Yeah,

Ali
yeah, I would say it’s more shiny object syndrome. Like, oh, this would be fun to do. Instead of here is the thing. This is the foundation. This is where the rubber meets the road. And it can get fun to get caught up in the shiny object and then get derailed.

Melyssa
Yeah, so what is the thing that you actually want to do if there were no shiny objects?

Ali
I would so I’ve been trying to get the website so it looks better. It You know, it was one of those things I just threw up a long time ago. And so that would just be done. I would stop toiling over it. I would stop getting caught up in it. That would be done and I I would actually sit down and start recording my podcasts. I have no content, a content calendar that I’ve started to flesh out. I just have it. You know, said, Honey, you watch the baby. I’m gonna go record some podcasts. So I would do that and edit and then I’m, you know, learn about my next steps of how to get it up and all that kind of stuff.

Melyssa
Awesome. Okay. I love how clear you are about it’s the website and it’s the podcast, and even have this nice podcast microphone.

Ali
I do this was a gift.

Melyssa
So you’ve got the tools event is set up? Yes. You just have to do it.

Ali
I just have to do it.

Melyssa
Yeah, that’s our a lot of people get hung up by the tools and they’ll be like, Okay, I’m doing it and then they realize they have to actually do it now. So we’ll talk about that too. Yeah. Okay, so awesome. There’s a lot here that we can chat about. So starting with the not knowing if it’s is it just because I’m afraid frayed or is it because of COVID and which is just calling me to take care of myself, when you really just take a moment and take a breath and feel into that? What does your intuition tell you?

Ali
That it’s both. It’s not either or,

Melyssa
tell me about that experience.

Ali
I am very good at pushing myself too hard, which I know is a story a lot. And this is where my health and wellness website comes in. I’m very good at pushing myself to the limit and then getting sick. And because of my drive, my interest, my excitement, and I’ll get to the point where it’s like, oh, I have a little bit of energy and then I tried to turn the engine over and it dies again. So I do have a long history of not recharging enough and then shorting myself out for lack of a better way to describe that. And I have found that this time is much more of a Drain on my energy then

Melyssa
write a non Cova type. Yeah, and you even said earlier how you don’t have childcare and all those things to which I’m sure is taking a lot more of your energy also,

Ali
definitely get

Melyssa
it done. And I love that example you gave of like the engine that you get a little battery charged, and then you use the battery then you’re back to zero, then you get a little bit more battery and use it and go back to zero instead of like letting it recharge to 100%. Yes. Why? Why do you do that instead of fully recharging yourself and then coming back,

Ali
who I’ve been working with a belief that I’ve had since childhood that I’m only lovable if I am pushing myself and doing things for other people, and it’s really come up being a mom and working through that. And I’ve been a nurse for a long time. And I think that that sort of personality really lends itself To that profession, but, you know, that deep belief that if I’m not pushing and striving and doing everything for everyone and being perfect, then I am not worthy of love.

Melyssa
And do you feel that showing up now in your relationship with your partner and your baby?

Ali
I do. I do.

Melyssa
What does that look like for you?

Ali
It looks like me. Man, I hold my daughter while she naps because she would sleep unless I’m holding her. So, yeah, a lot of people are like, like covet naptime because I get stuff done. And I’m like, I hold my child, which is amazing. So I don’t want to and I found a way to make that work for me with my husband. I really protect his alone time. And I am afraid to ask for support when I need time, and we’re getting better about that we’ve definitely opened up a lot of communication. And He’s incredible and has really stepped forward and said, Hey, I’m going to do this for you. And this weekend, you’re going to take a bath, and here’s what this is going to look like. And so, throughout this time, I’ve really been working with this belief, and he knows I haven’t and he always he’s so lovingly called me out. He’s like, hey, you’re doing it again. I worked on this for years in different forms. And I think, yeah, beliefs just have a way of showing. It’s like a weed. Oh, hey, look, here’s a new new way I coming up. And I think it’s showing me that I’m just I struggle with asking for support. And so we’re setting up ways that husband’s like, what do you need from me and how can I better support you? But I Really still, it’s hard for me and I’ll feel like he’s angry with me or he doesn’t want to be around me when really he’s that you’re just projecting that that’s not real. This is it. I can. So I find the smallest thing and I’ll say, oh, See, this is why I can’t take care of myself. No. And I find if I have sleep, I’m a lot less likely to engage in this. And so it’s that catch 22 as well.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. That’s so interesting about so it sounds like, you’ll feel like he might be mad at you. If you’re taking time for yourself or if you’re asking for support.

Ali
Yeah, or if I haven’t done what I think I should do, you know, Oh, I’m sorry. I haven’t made dinner and he’s like, Okay, why? I could make dinner. I’m perfectly capable. But then I’ll make it mean like, well, I’m a bad wife and you’ve been working all day like you’ve been taking care of a baby all day. That’s true and So, it’s really interesting to see how you kind of create the situation based on this belief, even though it’s not the reality from another person’s perspective. And

Melyssa
what does that feel like when he says something? Like, how can I support you or I drew you a bath? What’s the thought process that happens within you?

Ali
My first feeling is guilt. I, oh my god, I can’t I shouldn’t need that I shouldn’t be in a position where I need someone to take care of me. And then I’ll pay. Thank you and it’s genuine appreciation and gratitude. And a lot of times I’ll kind of like my shoulders on like, Oh, I do need this. You just feel this like, I’ve been trying to hold myself up but now I can just let it go. And it feel a lot better. But it’s my initial reaction is I shouldn’t need this and I feel guilty or like, I’m about personal Then for needing support.

Melyssa
Were you the person? Or are you the person in your family growing up? Where you were the one that kept it together for everyone else?

Ali
I was? Yes.

Melyssa
What was that experience like for you?

Ali
It was normal. It was how I grew up. I’m the oldest sibling and my parents got divorced when I was 10. And I really stepped into a caregiving role. I think I did it even before that, but especially at that point where

I was with my sisters who were four and eight years younger than I am so definitely needed a lot more care. And my parents were going through a really tough time, obviously, going through divorce, and I grew up really fast. At that point.

Melyssa
Yeah. Make sense? Yes. Like I don’t have any Anyone I can literally know and I can depend on. But I could be somebody that these other people can depend on. Because if I don’t have needs, then I can be the person who helps them. And even It was interesting before we started recording this call. You were teaching me about grief, essentially, like you were in the coach role. It was so fascinating how you just so like, is just instantly gravitate to that role with people where you’re the coach and the teacher and the helper, but it might not always give you the space to be that person. Yep. Yeah. Wow. Did you know that about yourself that you’re the helper type? I did. I’m the quintessential enneagram to a two wing one.

Ali
I vacillate between a two wing one and a two wing three. lately. I’ve been more of a two wing one though. Yeah.

Melyssa
So it’s like the helper rescuer the perfection of right or wrong? I know you’re talking about that earlier, too. Yeah. And so for someone like that, whose identity is built on helping other people, and helping other people to the point where you neglect yourself, it can be or feel hard to do something for you, whether it’s taking care of yourself or starting a podcast, or on a website.

Ali
Yes. Yeah, definitely.

Melyssa
So, going back to this idea of asking for support, you said that earlier, that you know that you could ask for support.

Ali
I see you shaking your head.

Melyssa
Yeah, you talked about asking for support makes you feel guilty even when someone offers support before you ask you feel like a bad person. Yeah. Tell me more about that experience.

Ali
It feels almost like a failure that I need that support. And in a way, it makes me vulnerable, and that it makes me feel vulnerable. And that’s of course, uncomfortable to be cared for versus providing care. Mm hmm.

Melyssa
What is uncomfortable about

Ali
the vulnerability of needing to rely on another person and the possibility that they won’t follow through. And also that if I have needs, then I’m a burden and that people won’t want to be around me won’t love me if I’m a burden.

Melyssa
I really felt that one. Thank you for being so honest.

Ali
Thank you for asking.

Melyssa
We’re getting deep here. Yeah, I love it. So this feeling of being a burden, they might think that about you, and that they might be potentially upset with you for having needs. Yeah. When did you have that experience? Like, where’s the evidence for that coming from

Ali
times in my childhood where I had needs, and it was clear that at the time that was perceived as a burden for my caregivers, and

Melyssa
Have you forgiven them for that?

Ali
Yes, I have. I think especially now, having been through what I’ve been through and being a parent, I can really appreciate how particularly if you’re going through a lot yourself and you haven’t had this time or The space to do the work that it can be overwhelming. I totally. I have a lot of compassion for that. And I’m working on having compassion for the little girl that I was at that time as well.

Melyssa
Yeah, a little girl who didn’t always get what she needed. So she had to give it to herself or to other people. Yeah. And I very much relate to your story because I feel a lot of the similar things for my own childhood too. And there was this feeling of exactly what you’re saying, if I have a need, then I’m a burden and I’m valuable when I’m doing things for other people when I’m the helper or the coach, which makes sense for what I do now. We gravity to careers that yeah, that traumatized child inside of us to which is so fascinating in itself but for your husband, you I know that you You do a lot of things to take care of him. What’s an example of one thing that you do for him? He asked you to do sometimes.

Ali
He doesn’t really ask for much. He said they love our daughter take good care of her. And the rest doesn’t matter. It’s really what he says. And the rest of it I make up. No, it’s all my expectations of what I think a good way should be. And I’ve married this incredible man who will hold space and lovingly show me like, hey, this isn’t coming for me. And he loves me on my journey, which is incredible. But yeah, I’m literally all he ever asks Is please take amazing care of our daughter. And that’s what I asked. It’s the best thing and then anything else I totally create and yeah, Amazing how I do that human brain

Melyssa
right? Do you ever get tripped up on the part of take amazing care of our daughter of all the pieces might put in that equation of what that means?

Ali
Yes, there’s that perfectionist piece in me where I want to take perfect care. The other day she was running toward me as I was coming out of a door and I didn’t know it and I hit her in the face with the door and she would flying backward. And I felt like such a terrible person and my husband’s like, it can happen to anyone. She’s just learning to walk. She’s running around and Yeah, and I think I felt like Oh, he’s gonna be so angry that I did. Because I was angry at myself and, and he’s like, that could happen to anybody. And it happens whether or not we admitted it happens to all kids. Word or something along those lines, but I was like, I shouldn’t be better than that. I shouldn’t let that happen. Like, but how can I control that? And but I think when he says that I don’t get tripped up, it’s more what I believe that means versus what he puts on it.

Melyssa
Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Ali
I’m really good at beating myself up and it’s almost like I do it so that other people feel so bad for how guilty I’m making myself that they won’t get upset with me.

Melyssa
That makes a lot of sense. preserve this sense sometimes of wanting people to see the ways that you’re struggling so that they’ll feel for you.

Ali
It’s almost I want them to know how badly I feel so that they can see that I really am affected by my you know, quote unquote fail proof my personal perceived failure

Melyssa
cuz then they won’t be mad at you because they’ll see that you. You made a mistake. It was no big deal. You did? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a little more enneagram to behavior. Seems like you had a lot of pressure put on you growing up, and a lot of expectation that if you didn’t abide by all the pressure, and you did something a little different, I made a mistake, that there was a lot of backlash for that. I say that. Yes. Yeah. And what have you done in your life to release that? Or to heal that belief or those experiences?

Ali
Well, coaching and therapy, and more recently, just doing a daily journaling practice and trying to recognize when these patterns are coming up, and giving myself more compassion and grace. I’ve really been trying to just do things without you like finally launching Nerf gun crunchy. It was like, I’m just gonna dive in, I’m gonna do this and it’s gonna be imperfect, and that’s gonna be great. And I finally it took me a while they get to the point where I was ready, but like, once I did it, it was okay, I’m gonna get myself a space to fail. And I think I don’t have as much comfort in failing in this other area as I did. And you could say it’s still a calculated risk is something I’ve, I feel comfortable, like I have enough expertise that I can talk about this. And I even said to someone that’s like, I mean, who am I to talk about this? So like, seriously, who are you to talk about grief after losing children. But it’s, I’m trying to give myself space to try things that I’m not and recognize that failure is a good thing because it means I’m learning. I’m trying things and putting myself out there. Try. Yeah.

Melyssa
Hey, limitless listener. We’ll get back to the show in just a moment. But I wanted to take 20 seconds to invite you to the free at home digital retreat that I created just for you. It’s called limitless entrepreneur and it’s all about helping you to create an abundant, fearless mindset. All while growing your online business. You want to join just visit limitless entrepreneur retreat, calm to register, it’s totally free. That’s limitless entrepreneur. retreat.com. All right, friend back to the show.

I love the quote too, that there’s no failure, only feedback because then it kind of just removes the pressure. I think, put it out there and ales that feels really heavy and it puts a lot of that pressure on us. But if we just think of it as everything thing we do is just an iteration. And we’re just constantly iterating on ideas and just feedback. If it doesn’t work out, publish a post and nobody reads it or we create a podcast and no one listens. It’s like, cool to be back. I can use that and make some adjustments and keep iterating versus it being a one time thing that you either do it right or you do it wrong, which that perfectionism can kind of try to tell you that there’s a right or there’s a wrong way to do something. And similarly with this feeling of doing all the things for other people, it’s like if I do it the wrong way, or I make a mistake, or I open the door and it hits my daughter in the face then I’m bad. But really, it’s just living in that gray of someone bad or good. It’s just it just is just be back.

Ali
And it’s changed the way I open doors.

Melyssa
Oh, yeah. Right. And you know, like maybe when she got Hit with that door and survived it she learned I’m not going to run towards door anymore. And that’s pretty valuable. Like Yeah, for the, with my dog for example, like sometimes I’ll open the oven and I’ll tell him to like go away because I don’t want him to get burned on the oven when it’s open and it’s hot. And then sometimes I think, you know, maybe it would be a good thing for him to just touch it one day and then he’ll back away from it because that’s his natural instinct. And he’ll learn and right now me shooting him away is just making him confused. But him actually having the ability to learn things on his own is probably more valuable than me trying to protect him so much. And so finding the lesson in those, quote, mistakes to have, were you giving some hardship to your daughter might actually be a good thing and there might This feeling of you want to protect her because you didn’t have that?

Ali
I’m sure there is.

Melyssa
Yeah, yeah. So back to your original question, which was that you feel like you have a hard time staying driven staying on the path and that things will come up. You might be afraid you might feel stressed and you need to take time for yourself. But you have this dream of finishing your website and starting your podcast and you’re feeling stuck. So with all the things that we’ve been talking about, what added clarity Are you having now about that question?

Ali
Well, the quote that there’s no failure, just feedback really struck me. That’s awesome. I’m gonna write that and put it on my mouth everywhere but on my computer and It’s really helping me realize that asking for help piece and that asking for things that I need I still have more unpacking to do with that and more opportunity that it’s okay to ask my husband to watch my daughter so I can work on this and it’s okay to say we’re going to eat pasta tonight. You know, to just what is it saying yes to one thing means saying no to other things. So really think calculated knows so that I can not run my battery so low that I can start the engine when I have that space that I could actually work on my things.

Melyssa
Yeah, there’s a really good book. It’s about attachment styles, and it’s called Love me, don’t leave me. And in it, the author talks about living and life With your values, and how sometimes when we’re doing things to keep the love of other people make them so they’re not mad at us. And so we’re not feeling like a burden so that we can maintain our relationships, we will, will live out of alignment with our values, because we’re afraid of losing those things that are important to us. And so to live consciously in alignment with those might mean that you make some slightly different choices than you’re making right now. So if you can think about it for a minute and just think about what are five values that you want to guide your life? What would those be our family, health, sharing purpose. Like those are three big things that compass so many things So is there anything you’d break those down into a couple?

Ali
I think with health, my health, because I’ve been on a really long journey to get my health back after a really, I really resonated with your story when you shared that on the podcast. I really, for myself, very weighed down and brought that back and then right before my son died, had kind of let all of my practices go and was not at my height and then had my son die and it really swept the rug out from underneath me. And so I’ve worked to really bring that up and keep focused on things that I know keep me healthy and if I’m not, you know, getting enough sleep or eating healthy and exercising, then nothing in my life. You know, I feel like I lose my connection to everything and that it just affects me so much. So I would say like my personal Health. And you know, being a mother and a wife, like those are really important to me having a strong partnership and being a present parent are really important to me.

Melyssa
Would that fall under family for you?

Ali
Yeah, that calls on your family for me for sure.

Melyssa
Did you add another value that says presence?

Ali
Yeah, presence? Definitely. I think you can be physically with someone. But it’s like those moments when you’re out with someone and you’re on your phones, like why are we even here? So being present and engaged is really important to me and in all of my relationships, right.

I think that it’s an art we’re losing, unfortunately, as a culture.

Melyssa
When you can bring it back.

Ali
I’m bringing it back in my house. We even have cell phones sleeping bags.

Unknown Speaker
Cute.

Ali
Screen free time. And there you go. All

Melyssa
so I’ve written down so far family, which includes your partnership and your relationship with your daughter, your children, my personal health, sharing my purpose and presence. Yeah. Can you think those are those Sound good?

Ali
Yeah. Wow. Yeah, those are, those are good. We’re now in this you know, building up our backyard garden and getting like really reconnected with nature and the environment and like being outside. I feel like that really is part of a presence and health as well. But even on its own, it’s like being outside and being a good steward of the earth and where we are That’s something that’s important to me too.

Melyssa
I love that. So we have family, personal health, sharing your purpose, presence and nature. Yeah, that sounds like a really sexy list. I love that. And what I’d like you to do is write down and I can send them to you too. But write these down and post them throughout your house wherever you spend a lot of time. And check in with yourself throughout the day and ask yourself, Am I living in alignment with them and go through each one briefly. You can also set some alarms in your phone to go off throughout the day at like 9am 12pm 5pm 8pm. And all the alarm says is just your five values and you can do a quick check in and say Am I living in alignment with these values today, right now in this moment, and if you’re not, then you get to make the conscious choice. How can I shift something? How can I ask for support, take a courageous risk and ask somebody to support me so that I can live in alignment with these values. How does that feel?

Ali
I feel so good. I love that movie.

Melyssa
Yay. I like that.

Ali
I like it a tingles. I like it.

Melyssa
And I think that being able to check in with these values on a regular basis will help you with staying driven with your website and your podcast.

Ali
I think since that’s my purpose that’s in alignment with that that yes, I think that it will help me and if I’m staying focused on those other pieces, I think it’ll help fill up my tank or you know, charge my battery so that when I do go to start that engine, it’ll have more energy

Melyssa
right because Family is one of your values. Yes, that’s the only value. No. And it’s not the only value that you have in this world, either of being a wife or a mom, you also are valuable when you’re valuing yourself when you’re in nature when you’re being present. Always really, but there’s all these other compartments of your life that are important to you. And so you get to create that space for them instead of neglecting the things that are important to you, just because they may not impact the people that you love in quite the same way. Not as directly.

Ali
But

Melyssa
yeah, as they still do.

Ali
Oh, and yes,

Melyssa
you will be different to Yeah,

Ali
as I said, you know, if I’m not taking care of myself, I don’t show up well, anywhere. And that’s something I it’s a lesson I’ve had to learn an embarrassingly frequent number of times, but it’s I’m getting better at Really not compromising on that? which feels good. What’s your daughter’s name? Skyler.

Melyssa
Skyler. That’s beautiful.

Ali
Thank you. And in her middle name is Logan, which is her brother’s name. really special.

Melyssa
Mm hmm. Skylar grows up and she’s married one day has a baby of her own and has this dream of something she wants to work on. What do you hope she would do?

Ali
Ask for help and take care of herself?

Melyssa
Yes.

Ali
Yes.

Melyssa
It’s almost like you get to go back now and think of little Ollie. Think of her as kind of like little Skyler

Ali
that has helped a lot with having self compassion. Sometimes I can look at her and she’s kind of like a clone of me. So it’s like looking at photographs and When I was her age, and imagine like, okay, you love her this much. That’s how much you love yourself and it just makes that connection so much easier for me to get into that space of. Okay. Yeah, I really love myself. I mean, I look how much I love her and it just helps me to get to that. So much easier.

Melyssa
pens are really cool.

Ali
It’s like it’s cool.

Melyssa
This gift was planted of like, look at the way that you get to love you just as much as you love her. That’s a really cool, I love

Ali
it when I’ve been rereading the gifts of imperfection and she talks about like, you can only love someone as much as you love yourself. And the first time I read that I really pressed against that idea of like, no, I hate that I but I love this person and I give anything and you know very enneagram to me and now I’ve really come to recognize like that’s it salutely true. And that’s another big piece of what I’ve learned on my journey and I’m going to continue to practice and learn but it’s that I get to love myself that much and by loving myself, I then can love her and show her how to love herself and really change that reality for her, which is such a beautiful and powerful place to be.

Melyssa
That’s really special. Whatever that quote speaks to you so much.

Ali
It’s that peace of unconditional love and

and after I lost my son, I then had two miscarriages and after the second one, I was talking to a friend and I was just sobbing and talking about how I hated myself that my body was murdering my children. I was this terrible, you know, just the things that were coming out of my mouth. Were just But it was the pain it was really high felt. And she reflected to me, she said, You’re giving yourself conditional love. You’re only loving yourself if you and your body are doing what you think you should be doing. And for me, it was this aha of, oh my gosh, I have been pushing my whole life and as long as I’m perfect or I’m doing things exactly as I think I should, or as exactly as I think other people want me to do them, then I’m worthy of love. And the reality is that I’m always worthy just by being who I am. And being in that state, you know, of not loving myself, I really wasn’t able to be there for anybody else. So I think being in that depth of despair is really a dark night of the soul has shown me that we get to love ourselves and that’s what shows other people how to love us and Once we filled our own love tank, we then can share love with other people. So, reading this again now, this stage, Okay, I see that now and it but at the time I was like, I don’t, I don’t agree with that That can’t be right. Everything else she’s saying is amazing, but that can’t be right. It really took going through that experience for me to really realize that it starts with you.

Melyssa
I’m not cool to read a book or watch a movie or something again and have a totally different experience because of the ways that you’ve grown.

Ali
It’s awesome.

Melyssa
That’s really special is special. And what strikes me about that quote, too, is that, that we can’t love someone else until we love ourselves because all the things that we’re doing for other people until we love ourselves, we’re doing from a place of love me. Okay, it’s all y’all love me. Real love comes from a place of overflow. I love me so much that I can love you now too. It’s like this. quicksand engulfs everything around it because of how big the love within you is.

Ali
And it’s less needy. It’s more it’s built on some solid foundation and stead of well, you I need you to give me Well, I need you to give me and then right I think that’s where miscommunication and right and then and things come

Melyssa
in. If you ask your husband for support and then you’re afraid he’s going to be mad at you. It’s even just diminishes that experience altogether because it’s like, even if he is mad at me, it’s okay because I love myself and I don’t need him to be happy with me all the time. Because when we’re out of whack with ourselves, then somebody we care about, who is mad at us are upset with us can feel devastating because we don’t have that interest. All structure that’s there to support ourselves. When we do and we cultivate and spend time working on presence and sharing our purpose and your personal health and being in nature, you start to build the reservoir inside of you of the love you have for yourself. And that just overflows into every single thing that you do.

Ali
So there’s so much more succinctly than

Melyssa
a rally. This is a back and forth and I love that. Yeah, so when you go to work on your website, and create this podcast, and you have the thought of why I really should be helping my husband or I really should be taking care of my daughter, I’m a bad mom, I not being productive. I feel drained. All the things that maybe have come up in the past, what can you do differently now so that you can stay the course

Ali
or take care of yourself? If you need it? Think doing those check ins like, Am I in alignment with all these things is important. And one thing I started doing is checking in with where my battery level is, a couple of times a day.

Melyssa
What do you do if you notice your battery’s low?

Ali
So with that, I’ve been giving myself permission to not work on work and to just go outside or when Brian gets off work, say, hey, I need a bath, and we watch her. And so I really, I have been taking amazing strides and asking for what I need. And when my battery is really low, it’s been that guilt factor comes in and I start to feel, you know, unworthy and afraid. And so I think, kind of keeping on top of that is more important. I’ve also been allowing myself to nap if I need to and listening to novels instead of business, podcasts and books. So just allowing myself to really like indulge in pleasure when I’m feeling exhausted and just like giving myself the space to do what I need to do, and have compassion for where I am when I think somebody that’s easier than others, but just self compassion, peace, the gifts of imperfection retreat is coming at the perfect time for me.

Melyssa
And I think that self compassion, peace fluctuates for everyone. Some days, you’ll feel totally killer about yourself and some days you’ll feel a little, little something, something is off, and that’s just a part of being human. You’re not doing it wrong. Have you communicated your feelings to your husband and just laid it all out of this is how I feel sometimes sometimes I think you’re mad at me when I asked for something and been really honest with him about that experience.

Ali
Definitely, I think one thing about going through losing a child is that we really, our communication has become so strong. And so it’s really happened with this shift that this has been coming up a lot more at this new level. And I just look at it as the universe is bringing things up for me. process, right. But we’ve had a lot of conversations because it’s been up quite a bit like okay, well, here’s how I’m feeling. Here’s what’s coming up and, and we check in and say, Hey, this is how I’m feeling right now. And he’s like, Okay, well, what happened that led you to think that and we’ll kind of work back and say, Okay, what do you do? No, that’s not how I feel. Just so we’re clear. And so there’s, it’s that lovingly holding up a mirror and saying, like, Hey, this is what’s what I’m seeing right now. And he’s just so good at that. I’m really blessed with that. And we have a lot of you. We’ve been through therapy after losing our son and it just has really helped us to have a much stronger foundation for communicating and that has helped a lot. And it’s such a gift. It really a Are we allowed to curse on this? Okay, so we call it one of the silver linings in our pile of shit is our relationship is really, we’ve dug some really deep roots and a strong foundation because of what we’ve been through. And so yeah, one of our silver linings.

Melyssa
I love that. Yeah, and I think that’s such a beautiful quality of being able to find the silver lining in pretty much anything especially traumatic and awful things that might happen to us. Yeah.

Ali
I think it says we were talking about earlier like, you can have lots of experiences have multiple emotions. about any one thing, and I think it’s like you look at all of us being in quarantine, and there’s a lot of negatives. And families are spending a lot more time together, were connecting in a way we haven’t before. We’re seeing clear skies. And so there’s definite silver linings to the current experience that we’re all having. But that was one of hours communicating. And I’m also lucky enough to have a husband that supports me constantly digging into all these things and saying, okay, what’s coming up for me here? And what is my block? And how can I through that?

Melyssa
So that’s so great. I’m so glad you have someone like that in their life. And you created that too. You chose that because a lot of people who grew up in your situation could attract partners who need someone to take care of them, and you didn’t, and you chose this which is in direct contrast to what that pattern is within you. So it’s really a Like you’ve been given this little plant in your life so that you can really peel this and let it go. Yeah, that’s pretty cool. It is. It’s awesome. I’m so proud of you. Thank you.

Ali
Thank you. Thank you for offering this.

Melyssa
You just listened to the limitless life podcast Now don’t worry with new episodes every week, there’s plenty more where that came from. Now, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss the next one and visit the limitless life podcast.com for the latest. Now I’ve also created a free five day at home digital retreat that will show you how to create an abundant, fearless mindset. All while growing your online business. Just visit limitless entrepreneur retreat.com to register, it’s totally free. And also if you want to spread the love You’re welcome to share this episode on Instagram. So that Other people can come and get this info to now tag me at Melyssa underscore Griffin and at limitless life podcast so that I can give you a big ol virtual hug as a thank you. Alright, that’s all for now. Thank you so much for listening. This is Melyssa Griffin and I’ll see you next time.

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